I wanna blog...

2214hrs: I really want to write more but it seems impossible since I started working. I realised I write at my best in the aftenoons when I'm in the office. Yes, I'm there sifting through piles of paperwork but I am still blogging in my head. I wish I could log on and force my thoughts through the 'mind to word document' barrier. Of course the only job that allows me to write freely would be one that involves writing. Which my current job is far from. By the time I get home, my mind is too numbed from work to write. Which is the reason why my blog's been plagued with lacklustre writing in the last couple of months if and when I do blog at all.

There's so much I want to talk about. So much to share but I'm too tired right now. I've been feeling tired for awhile now. All I wanna do is sleep....

I wished time would allow me to say more @ 2221hrs

'C'ing again...

0129hrs: I thought I've had enough of C's passiveness but apparently not. Bumped into her while shopping with Godbro at IKEA just now. I haven't seen her for almost a month and she looks good. Last week I made the decision to keep my pride and forget about C. Actually I've been forgetting about C for awhile now. Took her off my MSN list so I wouldn't have the urge to message her everytime she comes online. I reply when she messages but I keep it to a minimum. I couldn't fight the urge to call her tonight after seeing her. I only made myself look pathetic. Asked if we could talk on the phone tonight and I got the usual answer, 'See how'.

I asked her out 2 weeks ago for a movie and we agreed to go next weekend. I asked again during the week and I got that 'See how' answer again. That was proof enough she wasn't worth anymore time. Godbro says I can do a lot better than her(looks wise). Yes, I probably can. But right now, it's a case of wanting this one and nothing else. Then I rationalise and think that if she even had the slightest attraction towards me, things shouldn't / wouldn't be this passive or dead. No...no more of this. She can go put up airs as much as she wants. Just not to me.

I have more pride than this @ 0149hrs

Fever

2305hrs: I've been running a fever the last two nights. Been bundling myself up in my yellow jacket in the office and zipping it all the way up. Even while everyone else was complaining the aircon was warm. Came home last night from work with a fever. Had dinner, took the meds and went to bed straight. I was out cold for 9 hours. I was about to doze off when I remembered that Jus was going for surgery the next morning at 8am. I got out of bed, sent him an sms and promised to pray for him. Which I didn't. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow thanks to the drowsy meds. Woke up this morning hoping to see my best pal in good condition in the evening. I was worried. I was really worried that things might go wrong with the surgery. Why was I so worried? Well, considering the surgeon was gonna cut into my best friend's cranium, yeah that scared me a little. I've never lost a friend this way before and I don't want to start anytime soon. But I was relieved to see Jus at the hospital recovering from the afternoon's surgery. I even brought my Calvin & Hobbes comic for him to read(even though I said I'll never lend it to anyone). I didn't have much to offer him but I just thought he'll like the book a lot more than whatever else I can get him. I almost wanted to cry when I saw him lying there in the hospital bed in the 'High Dependency Ward' which was just a fancy name for ICU. I was just relieved to see him ok. The doctor says the surgery was a success and he's gonna be fine in a few days. He'll be in the hospital for another few more days. I'll be going down to visit him again on Saturday. I pray that there'll be no complications from the surgery. Yes, Justin's an important pal to me. Even though we've only known each other for almost 2 years, we saw each other practically every day in camp. We shared a lot. He's my best pal and I want him around for another 8 decades or so.

There's a lot more that I want to talk about but I've run out of time. I need to head for bed.

My pal's gonna be alright @ 2321hrs

Conspiracy

1938hrs: Janan's been bugging me to put up the photos I took while he was cooking spaghetti. I'm getting really really bored of guessing who this anonymous commenter on my blog is. And somehow I get the feeling that it's one of my best friends. Cause Janan seems to be in on it too. Isn't uni life suppose to be stressful and busy? You guys have got lots of time to play this silly prank on me.

I never guessed it to be any of my best pals cause I didn't think any one of them would be that bored. The last time someone screwed with me like that, I found out she was some 18 year old girl who had nothing better do. Actually she was an 'agent' sent to find out more about me. Kids these days have too much time. Apparently so do my best pals. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry. I'm just speechless. I just didn't think my best pals could be that 'bo liao'. Hmm....anyways here's the spaghetti pics...


Step1: Fry the bacon in butter


Step2: On to the beef bits and yes in butter once again


Step3: Add to the Prego spaghetti sauce(that was a little too salty for my taste)


Step3: Still adding the beef bits


Ta daa!!! Spaghetti sauce

Janan, why were you pestering for the pics?

The buggers have got too much time in hostel @ 1944hrs

Saturday

2257hrs: The guys were over at my place Saturday to celebrate my birthday. Janan was up early to cook his spectacular grilled rosemary chicken. I told him not to buy me any presents. His company and chicken would be more than enough. Janan and I cooked spaghetti bolognaise for lunch. I felt bad that I couldn't help much since I'm a total idiot in the kitchen. But we managed to cook lunch anyway.

Dom arrived a lot later with ice cream for dessert. The day was supposed to be spent celebrating my birthday but we ended up watching Bleach after lunch. Janan and Dom were adamant about bringing me into the 'Bleach fraternity'. Although it'll be difficult. I'm not much of an anime fan really. The only anime I've watched and enjoyed so far is Ranma 1/2, Macross Zero and Initial D. My thoughts on Bleach? It's not bad. Kinda reminds me of Ranma a little. I really enjoyed watching all 6 seasons of Ranma. I wouldn't mind giving Bleach a try. But I think Dom is a little too obsessed with Bleach. While we were watching Bleach, Dom would go hyper over certain scenes in the anime and he'll be screaming "BAN KAI!!!" every now and then. My conclusion was that he's been too stressed in school for the past week. Nah...just kidding. But he really likes Bleach a lot. So much that it looks scary. haha...

Well after going through 3 episodes of Bleach, the guys finally succumbed to fatigue. And they pretty much took over my bed and spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping. They only became conscious again when it was dinner time. Victor came sometime during the afternoon and collapsed into my bed as well. Hmm....having 3 guys in my bed....how gay does that sound?


That's how my buddies celebrated my birthday, horizontally. Nah...I understand they were extremely tired.

Anyways we headed out for dinner after everyone slept enough. Janan(the spoiler) had to leave after dinner cause he wanted to catch soccer. Bugger, it's always soccer. Dom and Victor headed back to my place after dinner to lounge around for awhile. We talked about stuff for a good few hours. Something we haven't done for awhile. Yes, it was a bonding session. It sucks that Janan wasn't around. We decided to head down to Bliss after my Aunts came home. I wanted to just sit, relax and nurse a drink for awhile. I needed a drink and I didn't want to be alone. It was nice of Dom and Victor to oblige. Janan who was suppose to be watching soccer at home smsed while we were at the cafe about installing this 'game' I passed him. The bugger. You rushed home cause you were excited(in more ways than one) about the game and couldn't wait to play it right? Soccer was just a convenient excuse. Think I don't know. *shakes head*

But my Saturday was well spent. I enjoyed hanging out with my pals. Even if we didn't do anything much. Their company was enough. Thanks guys for celebrating my birthday. We can meet up for sports soon but I'll be on the sidelines. If ya don't mind.

A quiet weekend spent @ 2319hrs

I don't mean to be like this...

2245hrs: I know I haven't been myself lately. But I don't mean to be like this. The concussion I suffered has changed my personality. My thinking, talking and coherence has all been affected. The bouts of dizziness are rather annoying. I don't trust myself to cycle or drive. I've been having mood swings even though I'm trying so hard to keep my spirits up. I've been doing research on the concussion and apparently what I have is the following...

Postconcussive Syndrome

People who suffer a head injury may suffer from side effects that persist for weeks or months. This is known as postconcussive syndrome. Symptoms include memory and concentration problems, mood swings, personality changes, headache, fatigue, dizziness, insomnia, or excessive drowsiness. Patients with postconcussive syndrome should avoid activities that put them at risk for a repeated concussion. Athletes should not return to play while experiencing these symptoms. Athletes who suffer repeated concussions should consider ending participation in the sport.

I really don't want it to last more than a month. I was quite a happy person before I smashed my head into the ground. But now I'm moody all the time. I'm not as humourous as I used to be. I find it hard to concentrate on what I'm doing and I haven't been talking very much lately. It's not that I don't want to talk and interact with people. I just find it hard to express myself clearly and coherently. I hate this....I really do.

How long will this last? @ 2253hrs

Tired

0028hrs: It's been a long week. I'm tired. I'm so so tired. I'm tired of hearing about my family's problems. I try to compartmentalise but some of the shit still gets through. I try to forget that I've got irresponsible parents. I try so hard. I really do. But at 23, I still fail. The tears have stopped, the heart is dead. But why does it still bother me? I've spent too many nights cursing my birth. I'm so sick of this shit...I try to keep myself above it all but I've failed miserably tonight.

The vodka isn't helping me forget @ 0050hrs

It's no fun anymore...

2309hrs: I almost burst a blood vessel today at work. I know my job isn't stressful but the frustration kills me. I almost went nuclear today when a colleague blamed me for misplacing a file. She said she gave it back to me to file back in the cabinets just before she left for her leave last week. Now when she wants it, I can't find it. The thing is I wasn't around last week as well. So if she gave it to me to file it back, I filed it back. But I have no idea which fucking idiot took it without telling anyone. The files go missing all the time and none of the file tracking system used in the office is accurate. I pretty much turned the whole fucking office upside down looking for the fucking file today ok? When I say I've tried my best, I've really tried my best. How the fuck should I know where the file's gone to? For all I know some fucking dimwit in the office stole the file home to masturbate cause he gets off on pictures of mangled metal.

I'm getting realy sick of this job. The constant frustration with not finding the files kills me. And the papers I have to match to the files comes in faster than I can find the damn files. I've been told by another colleague who's been in the office for awhile that my position has a high turnover rate because most people can't stand it. I've just about had it with this job. I do have plans to leave but I can't go now. I need at least a month's salary to feel financially stable in case I don't find another job fast enough. I'm gonna stay till March and see if they'll change my jobscope. If not, I'm leaving.

Alright, enough about work....here's some cute pics I found...

Patience & Tolerance










Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave and impossible to forget.

Altogether now....AWwwwwww.....

The above phrase makes me thankful for the good pals I'm blessed with. I'm lucky to have them and they've helped shape my personality in big and small ways. And I'm glad they're still my pals after all this while. Janan, Dominic & Victor. We've hit our FIRST DECADE! Aren't you people glad to have known me that long?! *YAY*

Don't mind me...I'm a little crazy and lack of sleep....time to go...the weekend is coming! THE WEEKEND IS COMING! *DOUBLE YAYNESS*

Needs sleep @ 2333hrs

It was my birthday

2224hrs: As promised, an entry about my birthday yesterday.

Like I mentioned previously. I didn't think anyone would remember my birthday yesterday. But low and behold my phone rang all day with birthday wishes pouring in from all ma pals.

I woke up yesterday morning determined to be moody and I already planned to end the day with another one of those melodramatic songs that I love so much. But that became difficult when I arrived at work to find a present sitting on my desk. That put a smile on my face. And when I opened my phone, there was a message from Justina wanting to spend my birthday with me.

But back to the present from my sweet colleagues. I burst out laughing when I took the present outta the bag to find a pair of pink boxers with little cows printed all over. I laughed out loud because often when I was running low on cash, I'd tell the colleagues that they might one day find me on the grass field near our office during lunch on all fours with a bell tied around my neck. Grazing on the delicious green grass soaked in pesticides. And when they come up to talk to me, I'd just greet them with a blank face and go "Moooooooo.....".


The pink cow dotted boxers.....will I wear it? Most probably not. It's PINK! But it's cute though and yeah, I like it. hahaha.

As the day went on, I got messages from Godbro, Kelvin, Dom, Janan, JC and wishes from the colleagues. When evening came, Justina picked me up to bring me out for dinner on him. Before that he called to tell me he had to send his girlfriend to the bus stop for her to take the bus home. But I insisted he send her all the way home first. The dinner can wait.

So we drove around looking for a nice place for dinner after dropping his girlfriend off and finally ended up at Bliss. An alfresco restaurant located at Punggol Park. A nice place to chill and relax. The dinner was great and by the end I was as pot bellied as a piggy could be. We took some pics and ended the night. But I appreciated my best bud taking the time off to celebrate my birthday.


Yes, I was belching when he took the pic. Indication of my gastronomic pleasure


Ma best pal and I. Yes, everything on the table was for me. Justina wasn't hungry.

Note: Alright, I know this entry is heavily summarised. It wasn't what I originally had in mind. But fatigue has sapped all of my literary sense. I need to go.

Frayed consciousness....@ 2249hrs

It's my birthday

2350hrs: Just a really quick post before my birthday is over.

My best bud celebrated my birthday with me. I was expecting this birthday to be a sad one but it didn't turn out that way. I wasn't expecting anyone to remember but quite a few did and I'm thankful. I promise an entry with pics about today, tomorrow. But for now I really have to head for bed. I'm too tired and incoherent to blog properly now.

Oh and I have another anonymous commenter on my blog....Oh joy! *sigh*

Happy it's my Birthday but not too thrilled to be another year older @ 2352hrs

My dazed ramblings...

2102hrs: It was odd going back to the office today. Somehow the office just seemed so quiet without her around. Everytime someone wearing a black jacket walks past, I'll instinctively lift my head out of habit. Expecting to see her flash that cute smile that always brightens my day only to feel stupid half a sec later when I realise she's not there anymore. I miss having her surprise me at my desk everytime I have my head buried in the computer. There she'll be, towering over me flashing that cute smile. It was always a pleasant surprise to look up and find her standing there smiling at me. I miss that and it's only been two weeks.

I remember on her last day of work we were at the compactors talking. That was when she asked, "Will you miss me after I leave?". I said, "Of course I will. Why else would I be begging you to stay?". Yeah, I begged her to stay. Tears almost welled up when she said she couldn't(maybe it was cause of the dust?). I would've liked to allow myself to like her but I couldn't. The girl's happy in a rock solid relationship with a nice guy. Yes, I know the old adage that if she's not attached, she's still fair game. No, I'd rather take the moral high ground on this and retain my honour. But if she were single I'll be fighting Heaven and Earth for her affection. Even then, I don't think I deserve someone as nice as she is. Sometimes I think I might be too screwed up to love another being.

But it's nice to know my dream girl isn't a myth but an unattainable reality(which still leaves me equally miserable). I've accepted it as one of God's nasty pranks on me. Or maybe it's just payback for all the bad things I've done?

Yes, I know I'm missing her more than I should. Perhaps I've bumped my head harder than I thought.

Please excuse my incoherence in tonight's entry. The effects of the concussion are still with me. I'm not my usual self.

I Know Her By Heart by Vonda Shepard
(Italics by me)

There's a secret path I follow (To the compactors)
To a place no one can find (Most people don't wanna go there)
Where I meet my perfect someone (I help her with boxes)
I've kept hidden in my mind (She knows she's my dream girl)
Where my heart makes my decisions (I hate to admit it)
'Till my dream becomes a vision (It already has but a skewed one)
And the love I feel (NOT!)
Makes her real someday (She's real just not to me)

CHORUS :

Cause I know she's out there somewhere (I know where)
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched her (I did a couple of times by ACCIDENT)
Or ever heard her speak (She's got a nice voice)
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met (I've seen her everday for the last two months!)
Haven't found her yet (Found but might as well not)
But I know her by heart (I'd like to think I know her pretty well)

Am I living an illusion (YES!)
Wanting something I can't see (I can see but no TOUCHY!)
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be (It's really not meant to be, timing's a real bitch)
Cause I know my heart's worth saving (Maybe not)
And I know that she'll be waiting (I don't think so)
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then (I'll still be this way when I'm 6 feet under)

CHORUS :

Cause I know she's out there somewhere (No I'm not stalking her)
Just beyond my reach (*Arrggghh*)
Though I've never really touched her (No comments)
Or ever heard her speak (I've heard a lot and I liked it)
Though we've never been together (Not in the way I'd like)
We've never been apart (Hmmm....)
No we've never met (Yes we have)
Haven't found her yet (Yes I have)
But I know her by heart (I do to some extent)

No we've never met (*sigh*)
Haven't found her yet (*sigh*)
But I know her by heart (*sigh*)

No we've never met (*sigh*)
Haven't found her yet (*sigh*)
But I know her by heart (*sigh*)

Note: Although not an important point, she's prettier than she gives herself credit for.

I'm rambling... @ 2144hrs

My moments

2311hrs:

'Life isn't measured in the number of breaths you take, but in the moments that take your breath away'

That quote was taken from a letter a man wrote to his mother a few weeks before he died doing what he loved. He died pursuing a land speed record in his car when it flipped at 200+ MPH. I just thought it was a beautiful quote about life's moments. It got me thinking about the moments in my life I enjoyed most. The most recent one being the night I spent with C not too long ago.

Sitting by the pool side chatting with her and having her in such close proximity was nice. The moments spent with her at her pool were all enjoyable but short lived and misleading. She has turned absolutely cold and I'm not too interested to find out why anymore. The girl seems to have liquid nitrogen coursing through her veins in place of warm blood. It seems as if all that's happened in the last few weeks were just footprints in the sand. All lost in the shifting sands. So yeah, I've given up.

Words fail me.... @ 2328hrs

Cracked my head

2314hrs: I had a pretty dramatic Saturday yesterday. Went cycling with Dom, Janan and JC at East Coast Park. It was supposed to be a fun filled day ending with a nice seafood dinner but we ended up having pizza at my place instead.


The guys and I. Taken just before the accident.

Somehow during the cycling I decided to sway the bike from side to side like how I usually do on my own bike. What I didn't know was the bike's pedals were set pretty low. Next thing I know the pedal caught the ground. The whole bike spun half way to the left(till it was perpendicular to the cycling path) and due to inertia, I got thrown off the bike. My head hit the ground first and then my back. But the head impact was pretty severe. I felt as if I've just had my head cracked open with a baseball bat. I was still in a daze when Dom, Janan and JC rushed over. I was lying on the ground cause I couldn't get up. The impact messed up my equilibrium pretty good. Even after Dom and Janan helped me up, I couldn't stay up on my own. Fearing that I might've cracked my skull, my pals called for an ambulance. The paramedics came and asked if I blacked out or if I felt like vomiting and all. They wheeled me back to the ambulance and sent me to Changi General Hospital to get checked out. On the way over I had a nice chat with one of the paramedics and realised how small the world was. Apparently the paramedic attending to me knows my colleague who was a paramedic during his NS time. We(paramedic and I) continued chatting and he turned out to be a cycling enthusiast as well. Overall, the paramedic was pretty cool.


JC decided my pathetic state was a perfect Kodak moment


She took another one on the way home

The doc(who was pretty cute btw) checked my head and said she doesn't think I've fractured anything and that it was probably just a concussion. But I went for an x-ray anyway. So after examining the x-rays, the doc said there were no fractures on my skull or back. Everything was fine. The final diagnosis was concussion. I still felt giddy from the impact and I'll get moments of vertigo when I tilt my head a certain way. The doc said that was normal and that it'll be like that for a few days after the accident. I got quite a few moments of vertigo today. Oh btw, my camera got crushed when I impacted the ground. It resulted in the casing being dented. It's a good thing the camera has a mostly metal construction. It's dented but it still works.

I just came back from Victor's birthday party. The food wasn't bad but I didn't have much of it. But there were cute doggies there though. Happy Birthday Victor!!!


The cute puppy at Victor's party

Think I should get off the com now....getting pretty woozy...

The accident wouldn't have happened if I were on my own bike @ 2331hrs

Melting of the Ice Queen

2227hrs: Celebrated C's last day at the company last Friday. In light of the New Year, the company's work day ended at 1500hrs. So the colleagues and I went out after work. We hung around TCC for awhile before playing pool. Sometime during the pool playing, C wanted to walk a couple of her friends to the MRT cause they had to leave early. Seeing a chance to be alone with her, I tagged along. But the plan failed when an unwitting colleague tagged along 'for fun'. *anguish* While we were walking back to the pool place, C asked if I tagged along so I could be alone with her. I told her she had to have skin thicker than an elephant's hide to ask that question. But I admitted to it anyway. She just gave that cheeky grin and said 'I knew it!'. She got a well deserved tickle for that.


Ma new buddy in the the office


I know it looks like a couple pic but it's not alright?


The whole gang!

I sent C home after everything just so I could be alone with her. So we sat around her condo's swimming pool and chatted till 2 plus in the morning. Somehow during our 4 hours there, we ended up really close. I was being playful when I tilted her chair to my side. So her legs were off the ground and the chair was only balanced on two legs. The next thing I know she was resting her head on my shoulder. She looked really pretty bathed in the warm flourescent glow coming from the lamps around the pool. I was invigorated for every breath I took carried the sweet smell of her hair. We sat like that for awhile until an adorable(but bloody annoying) persian looking kitten came around seeking attention. The little fella was going in between my legs in the way cats usually do. Then it got a little too playful and tried to climb up my jeans(towards a sensitive area) using it's freaking claws. I contemplated throwing the bugger into the pool for interrupting my quiet moment with C but C said I shouldn't be evil. In the end all I did was carry the little bugger to the bushes near by hoping it'll go play somewhere else(it found it's way back again later). So C and I resumed our chat with her head on my shoulder again. Yes, that night was really nice spending it with her like that. It cost an expensive cab ride home but I can afford it...for now.


The kitty being cute and showing more than it should.


The kitty going for Big Ben and the Crown Jewels. NOT CUTE!

C and I met for a movie yesterday. I wasn't too sure if it was a date but it sure looked like it. I met her at her place even though it was extremely inconvenient for me. We caught 'Night At The Museum' which in my opinion had a weak storyline but good comic relief. Anyways after the movie I suggested a cable car ride since we weren't too far from the cable car tower. I honestly swear I didn't mean for it to be a romantic gesture. But it ended up being quite romantic anyway. We took the cable car up to Mount Faber where we got off and took a stroll. We walked around Mount Faber taking in the night sky while sharing gelato ice-cream. We got on the cable car again and took the rest of the way to Sentosa and back to Harbourfront. The night ended up with us hanging at her condo swimming pool again. Yes, in the same closeness. I was glad to hear she had a fun day out with me. Especially the cable car ride she said. There I was once again invigorated with the smell of her hair. We talked and cuddled till 2 plus in the morning when she really had to go. There was no better way to spend New Year's Day than the way I spent it. I'm looking forward to seeing her again this Friday. Heh.

Smitten @ 2320hrs