My dazed ramblings...

2102hrs: It was odd going back to the office today. Somehow the office just seemed so quiet without her around. Everytime someone wearing a black jacket walks past, I'll instinctively lift my head out of habit. Expecting to see her flash that cute smile that always brightens my day only to feel stupid half a sec later when I realise she's not there anymore. I miss having her surprise me at my desk everytime I have my head buried in the computer. There she'll be, towering over me flashing that cute smile. It was always a pleasant surprise to look up and find her standing there smiling at me. I miss that and it's only been two weeks.

I remember on her last day of work we were at the compactors talking. That was when she asked, "Will you miss me after I leave?". I said, "Of course I will. Why else would I be begging you to stay?". Yeah, I begged her to stay. Tears almost welled up when she said she couldn't(maybe it was cause of the dust?). I would've liked to allow myself to like her but I couldn't. The girl's happy in a rock solid relationship with a nice guy. Yes, I know the old adage that if she's not attached, she's still fair game. No, I'd rather take the moral high ground on this and retain my honour. But if she were single I'll be fighting Heaven and Earth for her affection. Even then, I don't think I deserve someone as nice as she is. Sometimes I think I might be too screwed up to love another being.

But it's nice to know my dream girl isn't a myth but an unattainable reality(which still leaves me equally miserable). I've accepted it as one of God's nasty pranks on me. Or maybe it's just payback for all the bad things I've done?

Yes, I know I'm missing her more than I should. Perhaps I've bumped my head harder than I thought.

Please excuse my incoherence in tonight's entry. The effects of the concussion are still with me. I'm not my usual self.

I Know Her By Heart by Vonda Shepard
(Italics by me)

There's a secret path I follow (To the compactors)
To a place no one can find (Most people don't wanna go there)
Where I meet my perfect someone (I help her with boxes)
I've kept hidden in my mind (She knows she's my dream girl)
Where my heart makes my decisions (I hate to admit it)
'Till my dream becomes a vision (It already has but a skewed one)
And the love I feel (NOT!)
Makes her real someday (She's real just not to me)

CHORUS :

Cause I know she's out there somewhere (I know where)
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched her (I did a couple of times by ACCIDENT)
Or ever heard her speak (She's got a nice voice)
Though we've never been together
We've never been apart
No we've never met (I've seen her everday for the last two months!)
Haven't found her yet (Found but might as well not)
But I know her by heart (I'd like to think I know her pretty well)

Am I living an illusion (YES!)
Wanting something I can't see (I can see but no TOUCHY!)
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be (It's really not meant to be, timing's a real bitch)
Cause I know my heart's worth saving (Maybe not)
And I know that she'll be waiting (I don't think so)
So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then (I'll still be this way when I'm 6 feet under)

CHORUS :

Cause I know she's out there somewhere (No I'm not stalking her)
Just beyond my reach (*Arrggghh*)
Though I've never really touched her (No comments)
Or ever heard her speak (I've heard a lot and I liked it)
Though we've never been together (Not in the way I'd like)
We've never been apart (Hmmm....)
No we've never met (Yes we have)
Haven't found her yet (Yes I have)
But I know her by heart (I do to some extent)

No we've never met (*sigh*)
Haven't found her yet (*sigh*)
But I know her by heart (*sigh*)

No we've never met (*sigh*)
Haven't found her yet (*sigh*)
But I know her by heart (*sigh*)

Note: Although not an important point, she's prettier than she gives herself credit for.

I'm rambling... @ 2144hrs