Driven

2239hrs: The past week was great. I had 4 days of uninterrupted rest thanks to the public holidays and base events. Last Friday was a public holiday and today was off for me because all the regulars in my base had some golf event they had to attend.

I don't know why but the whole of last week was one for cars. I saw more than 10 Porsches last week. I counted at least 7 Carreras, 1 or 2 Boxters and 1 incredibly sexy 911 Turbo. And last thursday I saw a Lamborghini Murcielago, a nice yellow one. You know, I noticed something about myself. I tend to talk to cars when I see them. Seeing the Porsches made me go 'Oh baby...' sometimes I'd even add in 'You look so good' after the moanings. Well last week when I saw the 911 Turbo coming down the hill, I was going 'Oh baby'. I was standing there hoping it'll sing to me. Although all she did was whisper a little when she stopped next to me but when she accelerated out onto the main road, she sang as high as her turbos would allow. It was such sweet melody hearing her sing in high octave. Just splendid!

Last Friday I discovered how talented I am with cars. I got to drive my pal's car. And it was the first time I had driven a car in my life. And I was amazed at how well I was driving the thing. I was making 3 point turns, going up and down hills and I parked the car perfectly. Granted that it was an auto but hell I deserve some credit for making 3 point turns and parking it all on my own right? At least my friends thought it was worth a few praises since it was my first time. My ego was ballooning that night as I navigated around the car park. But I do need to work on how much to turn to go a certain direction. I kept turning lock to lock when I was driving. Yes, I do know it's illegal to drive without a license but I was driving along the quiet roads in the private housing area. I was so encouraged by the driving that night that I went to register my driving today. And soon I'll have my driving license. Perhaps by June? Hopefully! I guess all those years of reading , dreaming and playing with cars did pay off some huh?

I saw Disney's 'The Kid' last night. And I quite like one of the characters inside. I've always liked women with an English accent. They sound so proper, so dignified. I'm not one who would date a Caucasian but if I really had to, I'd pick an English rose any day. But I wouldn't mind dating a few Caucasians just to see how they're like. I really wouldn't mind at all. But I'll still stick to a simple Chinese girl for a wife even though I'm not really Chinese. People always get so excited when they hear about my surname and realise I'm not Chinese because I look totally Chinese. I'm a Chinese looking fellow with an exotic surname. I'm 3/4 Chinese anyway and only upon hearing my surname do they realise I'm not. Someone once said that having an exotic surname would attract some girls. I do hope I don't get people attracted to me just cause they want an exotic last name. I'll just steer clear of them.

Still conflicted at 2309hrs

Shall we dance, Mr Clark?

2211hrs: Just came home from watching 'Shall We Dance'. 2 amusing things happened while watching the movie. For the starters I was quite tickled when I found out Richard Gere's character had the same name as a character in Tom Clancy books. I've been reading Tom Clancy's 'Rainbow Six' and I'm down to the last 100 or so pages out of the 897. Richard Gere's character was named 'John Clark'. A mild mannered New York lawyer, happily married for 19 years with 2 kids. Who discovers the joy of ballroom dancing. He bears the same name as one of Tom Clancy's most popular character in his books. Tom Clancy's John Clark appears in all his novels and was introduced in 'Without Remorse' which is a very good book. This Mr Clark was an ex-Navy Seal from the Vietnam era plucked from the streets of New York after killing off a bunch of low life drug pushers to avenge the death of the woman he loved. After which he was picked up by the CIA and got a new identity to save him from being prosecuted for the deaths of the low lifes. After induction into the CIA, his name was changed from John Kelly to John Clark. He rose through the ranks very quickly within the agency heading mostly black-ops and came out a very well respected field officer. Married to a nurse with 2 daughters. His last assignment was to head an international counter-terrorist group he created codenamed 'Rainbow'. And thus 'Rainbow Six'. 'Six' being the common name givem to the boss of an outfit within the special ops commnunity. So can you imagine the smile spreading across my face when Jennifer Lopez asked 'Mr Clark' if he'd like to dance? I can't imagine John Clark, the indestructible CIA field officer doing ballroom dancing with a .45 Beretta strapped to his side no doubt.

The 2nd funny thing was 15mins into the movie my friend got a call from base that he's been activated to replace one of the guards who was sick. And because they couldn't get the other replacement, he has to go back. I quipped to my friend saying that for all he knows I'm the other guy who's suppose to go back. My friend left for base 30mins into the movie. And when I got home, I checked my phone and realised there were a bunch of missed calls. And they were from base. I called back and was told I was suppose to be the replacement guard. I called my pal, told him what happened and got called a 'slut'. And now I owe him a movie ticket. He's being a really good sport about it but I'm sure it must feel horrible to be called back to base in the middle of a movie. All I gotta say is 'Sorry, mate'. Will make it up to him with another movie after my paycheck comes in.

'Shall We Dance' was a pretty good movie. The dance moves were good and it got me thinking about picking up ballroom dancing. Watching the graceful waltzes made me wanna head home and put on Tchaikovsky's 'Waltz of the Flowers'. Hmm...perhaps I might decide to pick up some dancing later in the year after getting my driving license.

Still conflicted at 2236hrs

She's really gone now...(since 0023hrs last night)

1420hrs: I got so frustrated last night I cried to sleep. I had spent 2 hours writing an entry about beary and when the time came to publish it, something screwed up. Everything's gone now all because I didn't possess the good sense to press 'Ctrl C' and put what I wrote on my computer so it won't be lost. But I was too fatigued to know it.So now everything's gone now and I felt a huge loss. I find solace in my writings and losing it especially stuff that meant something to me was just too much. I can't recollect what I wrote last night anymore but it was a lot and was mostly about beary.

Yes, she's gone now. She's somewhere in Frankfurt Airport sitting around in the transit lounge waiting for the 2nd leg of her journey to JFK International. After a 13 hour flight from Singapore to Frankfurt at a speed of 0.75 Mach, that puts her 11947 kilometres(7,424 miles) away from me now. She'll arrive in New York after a 9 hour flight at 1050hrs(Singapore 2350hrs). 22 hours of flight time, that's almost a whole day in the air. Poor beary. And then it's another domestic flight to Rhode Island then to Brown. She must be feeling really crummy when she finally gets home. I wish I could make it better for her but there's no practical way of doing it. Although hijacking an F-16D might shorten the trip, I don't think I'll be able to do that without getting shot down by somone over Europe or worst, Asia.

I actually was intending to send her off last night and pass her something. Anyways it would've been awkward for me since I'll be the only one sending her off besides her family. And she said she didn't think it was necessary. Her exact words were, "Actually, in all truth, I'd rather you not come. Nothing to do with you, feeling really anti-social today, just in a bad mood I guess. Sorry". After being around for so long, I've learnt that whenever a girl says "Nothing to do with you" or "Nothing to do with you, it's all me". More often than not it's something to do with you. But there's really no point in driving myself crazy over this, is there? Soon she's gonna be half a world away from me for the next year or so. There isn't much sense in thinking about her anymore and I guess it's out of sight, out of mind. She didn't even say goodbye to me when she left and I know I shouldn't feel too bad about it but it would've been nice if she did. Since we probably won't be talking for the next year.

I was thinking about a going away present for her on Friday night. I was actually playing with the idea of getting her an iPod mini since she wanted one so much. I just wanted to make her happy and seeing her happy makes me happy. I could easily afford one but what stopped me were the implications for such a gift. It just isn't right to give away such an extravagant(extravagant in view that the SAF doesn't pay me very much) gift even for a special friend. Like my friend said so many times, "Treat your friend well, your girlfriend better and your wife best". Which is true isn't it? And I can't let this habit of getting her stuff all the time develop further. What am I gonna do when I'm more affluent in the future? Give her the keys to that Jaguar S-Type that she likes so much? Of course I know she wouldn't accept such a gift and I'm doubtful she'll accept the iPod mini if she knew what the gift was. That's the kinda girl she is, not the type to be bought over with gifts. But I've already gotten her something. And I don't know what to do with it now. Do I mail it to her or just keep it till she comes back? I would really like to mail it to her but she didn't give me a mailing address and I don't like to keep stuff indefinitely.

So she's gone now and she's going further at this moment. Her flight in Frankfurt is taking off at this moment at 0820hrs(Singapore 1520hrs). Yes she's gonna be another 8271 kilometres(5,139 miles) away and she'll be 20218 kilometres(12,563 miles) away when she's in New York. And god knows how much more when she's in Rhode Island. I do hope she arrives home safely.

So I won't be seeing her for a long time to come. And perhaps in the next few days I won't be thinking about her anymore. Spending my 21st Birthday with her was more than I could've asked for a present. And I'll remember it for awhile. Hopefully by the time she's back, I'll be a much better person.

Note: I don't know if the entry I wrote last night was comparable to this in length but I'm sure it had a lot more substance to it.

Here's some pics from my birthday:


Yes, that's me with a huge bouquet(huge to me) for her cause the next day was her birthday she liked the flowers so much she insisted I take a photo with it


She looks happy doesn't she? She does seem to like flowers a lot.


Here's us at the Esplanade

練習 (劉德華)

如果留下多一秒鐘
可以減少明天想你的痛
我會願意放下所有
交換任何一絲絲可能的佔有

幸福只剩一杯沙漏
眼睜睜看著一幕幕甜蜜
不會再有原來平凡無奇的擁有
到現在竟像是無助的奢求

我已開始練習　開始慢慢著急
著急這世界沒有你
已經和眼淚說好不哭泣
但倒數計時的愛該怎麼繼續

我天天練習　天天都會熟悉
在沒有你的城市裡
試著刪除每個兩人世界裡
那些曾經共同擁有的一切美好和回憶

愛是一萬公頃的森林
迷了路的卻是我和你
不是說好一起闖出去
怎能剩我一人回去 回去


That's just one of those melodramatic songs I listen to

Still conflicted at 1558hrs

Diary

2214hrs: Somehow I had an inkling this morning that today was not gonna be a boring normal day. Well I haven't had music playing while commuting for a really long time ever since I sold my iPod. But something in me thought to bring the little FM radio along this morning. While listening to Gold 90 this morning, a beautiful song began playing. It's a wonder how a song could bring perhaps a little clarity to my current plight. As I listened to the first few verses, I thought this to be a nice love song. It was not to be, the ending tugged at my heartstrings awhile and my thoughts immediately reverted to someone. The song was 'Diary' by David Gates(an extremely talented artiste I might add) and you'll see what I mean at the end of this entry where the lyrics are. Then immediately after David sang the last tunes, a familar song came on. I cracked a smile thinking about the irony of the moment. The song was 'She Was Only Sixteen' and it's a special song because I used to peg this song to beary. And not only did they play the song, they played the Dr Hook version rather than the more popular rendition by Sam Cooke. I accepted that the morning ride to camp was unusual but rather amusing.

As I was walking towards my camp, I caught a glimpse of the dawning sky. It was pretty clear, splotched lightly with wispy cirrus clouds rolling along gently. In the corner of my eye I saw this thin band of cloud that resembled a milky stream cutting the wide blue expanse dividing it into equal parts stretching out as far as the eye could see. It reached out right over the horizon. How I wished at that moment I could get on a jet and just follow this 'highway' in the air just to see where it leads to. It was quite a sight with the rising sun reflecting off parts of it.

My day in camp was pretty mundane. I spent the morning escorting contractors in. Although I've been told not to bring the book in, I brought it anyway. I just can't spend 3 hours staring into space. And I'll definitely fall asleep if I didn't find something to keep the neurons firing. I'm dog tired because I haven't been sleeping well the past 2 nights. And even now my brain is protesting and urging me to end this entry and go to bed. So as I was reading, I had to keep one ear trained on any approaching vehicles. I did have two very close calls but well I didn't get caught which was fine with me cause I managed to hit Chapter 34. The novel's already reaching it's climax and it's getting pretty exciting cause they're on the verge of exterminating all of mankind in an effort to 'cleanse' Nature of homo saipiens. According to the tree-huggers and bunny lovers, us humans are the parasitic species and must be eliminated before we hurt Mother Nature any further and only those who truly respected and thought about 'the great mother' should live. But I already know that they didn't succeed in exterminating mankind. But still the plot is interesting and I'll give my thoughts on it after I'm done with the book.

I had my worst asthma attack today. And the cause of it is extremely brainless. My friend and I being the bored people that we are started kicking up huge dust clouds in the sand trying to dirty eachother's boots. Well after a few minutes of that I started to get breathless and it got progressively worse. I could feel the clamping sensation on my chest and every minute it was taking more effort to catch a breath. It got to a point where a tingling sensation was forming in my extremities, an obvious sign of oxygen depravation. I was sitting there making huge efforts to breathe, took 2 puffs of the Ventolin which didn't help. My friend saw that I was starting to get pretty serious and suggested I tell my commander what's up. And besides, he didn't think that anyone in my camp would wanna give me CPR if I collapsed since most of them were guys. There's only a handful of gals around and I don't want any of them to give me the 'kiss of life'. I'd rather be dead. Anyways, I walked into the good Captain's office and told him I was getting an attack. He quickly shuffled me off to his car and sent me to the medical centre and even though he wasn't well, he didn't see the doc cause he had to rush back to the office for a meeting. By the time I got there, I was obviously having serious difficulties breathing and I was already starting to feel faint and was starting to panic. Yes, panic! Because at that point in time I really thought I was fast heading towards total respiratory failure. The medics seeing that I was in real emergency fast forwarded me to the doctor who immediately took my vitals, listened to my heart and lungs. At that point I was really panicking because all of a sudden I had so many medics over me all looking very concerned due to the seriousness of the situation. I'm sure their minds were occupied with thoughts of who's gonna be the lucky one to give me CPR. The doc made the decision to nebulize me and told me to relax because my vitals was pretty high. My blood pressure was going 144/60 and my pulse was 101BPM. And even though I was feeling better after the neb, my vitals were still pretty high. And as usual my hands were shaking and my knees were weak due to the neb(sounds like a song doesn't it?). Yes, now I've learnt the hard way how allergic I am to dust clouds and I guess I deserved that asthma attack.

I had to make a trip down to the city to get some of pics that've been developed. And even though by day's end my mind was already drained, I still made the trip. I pretty much slept most of the way and when I got up, I 'autopiloted' myself to my destination. My brain was already in sleep mode. I already knew my destination and route so the brain really wasn't needed so I walked on without paying attention to anything around me. Then I almost got a relapse(asthma) when beary appeared in front of me. She didn't go "BOO!" in front of me no, she just came up to say hi. The shock was more from seeing someone I wasn't really expecting to see pop up in front of me. Fine, I accepted the minute possibility that I might bump into her since she's out these last few days catching up with friends before she flies off on Sat. Of course I was happy to see her, so I just followed her about while she waited for her friend to show up. I felt funny because for one I was really tired and second, I really wasn't looking my best. My hair was in a mess but I comfort myself by telling myself that it's currently in transition phase and I can't do much about it. But my uniform looked shabby anyway and I just normally don't expect to see anyone I know when I'm like this. I admit I'm being a little too concerned over nothing. I usually don't care about the way I look but when I do, boy do I care. beary was quite nicely dressed today, it immediately occurred to me that she really knows how to 'show her stuff'. She's just funny, the other day when we went out, I was pretty much decked for wining and dining. All I lacked was an Aston Martin Vanquish and a beautiful lady to complete the scene. Yeah I had the beautiful lady just that she was dressed for the beach. I felt overdressed that night but it's little consequence since we didn't go anywhere fancy. So it was alright after all. Anyways she looks good both ways, whether she dresses casual, sexy, tomboyish or classy she's still beautiful in my eyes. Just wished she had the time to model for me so that I can practise my portrait shots. Maybe I'll ask her next time when I'm more competent with my camera? I'm still getting the focus point off right now and fill-in flash still whites out the shot. *sigh*

Anyways it's time to go rest cause I'm extremely fatigued and if I sleep late again, I'm gonna go nuts tomorrow. So goodnight 'yall.

Still conflicted at 2316hrs

Only Sixteen by Dr Hook

She was only sixteen, only sixteen
But I loved her so
But she was too young to fall in love
And I was too young to know
We'd laugh and we'd sing, and do funny things
And it made our hearts glow
But she was too young to fall in love
And I was too young to know
So why did I give my heart so fast, it never will happen again
But I was a mere child of sixteen, I've aged a year since then
She was only sixteen, only sixteen
Oooh with eyes that would glow
But she was too young to fall in love
And I was too young to know
So why did I give my heart so fast, it never will happen again
But I was a mere child of sixteen, I've aged a year since then
Now she was only sixteen, only sixteen
Oooh but I loved that girl so
But she was too young to fall in love
And I was too young to know
Yes she was too young to fall in love
And I, I was too young, I was much too young to know
______________________________________________________________

Diary by David Gates(Bread)

I found her diary underneath a tree.
and started reading about me
The words she'd written took me by surpise
you'd never read them in her eyes.
They said that she had found the love she'd waited for.
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.
When she confronted with the writing there,
simply pretended not to care.
I passed it off as just in keeping with
her total disconcerting air
and though she tried to hide
the love that she denied,
wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.
And as I go through my life, I will give to her my wife
all the sweet things I can find.
I found her diary underneath a tree.
and started reading about me.
The words began to stick and tears to flow.
Her meaning now was clear to see.
The love she'd waited for was someone else not me
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.
and as I go through my life, I will wish for her his wife
all the sweet things she can find
all the sweet things they can find

Dreary Morning

0554hrs: Getting up this morning was a little harder. I slept really late last night at about midnight. My body just didn't wanna get out of the cosy bed but my conciousness beckoned. Yes, I'm gonna be doing the same thing I did yesterday. Stare at someone doing menial work for hours. But I'm hoping to get half-day off today. I need to bring the iPod down to the service centre. YES, for some reason I seem doomed not to own a properly functioning iPod. This one just doesn't seem to charge properly nor does the software installation go smoothly. I woke up feeling a little sad about the harsh realities today. And like the warm water running down my back, it was draining my hopes away. And yes, I'm still thinking about someone. But I'm sure that won't be the case after she leaves and my life would revert back to normal again. So I guess having her around is like having a spanner in the works? No, having her around only makes the world a little more bearable(hey! there's 'bear' in the last word!).

Still conflicted at 0601hrs

Scatter brained...*splat*

2213hrs: Woke up early pretty early this morning at 0500hrs. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night, was tossing and turning most of the night. Just felt so uncomfortable and bothered. Sleep just eluded me till probably 4am. But I felt as if I've been awake all night without sleeping a wink. Obviously I was immensely fatigued today in camp. What's worse, I got shouted at by my Platoon Commander(hear, hear!) because of some misunderstanding. You know, the SAF honestly doesn't pay me enough to get shouted at. I know it sounds a little arrogant but it's true. For the pittance I get and for the work I do, shouting really isn't warranted. I'm a reasonable person. I don't mind my superior ordering me about(sometimes to do really stupid things) but to shout out those orders?!

The morning was really idiotic. I was burdened with the all important 'mission' of escorting contractors around the Ammo Depot. And yes, throughout the time I'm with them I'm supposed to be V-I-G-I-L-A-N-T(the SAF's all time favourite word). Which translates into staring at the contractor doing his menial work for 3 hours or more. Tell me, what sane, intelligent being would be able to sit through hours of staring at an electrician fixing a faulty light? Of course if the electrician were Gisele Bundchen in a miniskirt I'd be undividedly vigilant(with a capital V!). Sadly the contractors are middle aged indian men sweating away in the early morning sun.

Knowing the electrician wasn't Gisele, I wisely brought a book to keep myself entertained. Yes, I am into the final few chapters of Tom Clancy's 'Rainbow Six'. Yes, it's the 2nd time I'm reading it but heck the last time I read it, I was only legal to..... Hmm, forget what I was legal to do, I was only 16 then. Anyways I'm reading it again and I was hoping to devour a few more chapters this morning but noooooooo, my platoon commander had to come around catching me reading. He came over, took my book away and told me to look at the contractors. I mean come on!!! I'm facing the contractors! What the fuck can they do that I wouldn't know??? Take away a box or two or SFG 87 Frag Grenades???!!! Or what? Steal the inventory list? Give me a fucking break man! Whatever ammo we have, anyone idiot can find info on it on the net if not then in 'Jane's Book of Ordnance' or something. What can you possibly gain from reading the text off the box? There's so specification on the arming distance for the fuse! There's nothing! Just descriptions. And later when I got back to the office, the PC of another platoon questioned me. Asking why I'm so stubborn and why I'm always reading on the job. Why? Cause the job is FUCKING B-O-R-I-N-G. Of course I couldn't tell him that. And my replies were muted to just 'Yes and Nos'. With every reply the beast within just raged louder but there's no point in kicking the tiger's balls is there? I'll just get burnt if I gave him my frank opinion of SAF and more importantly SAF Ammo Base. It'll just get me a weekend's confinement or more guard duties. So all I could do was rollover and play pussycat. *ARRGGGHHHH*

The day ended with a trip to Funan to develop some film. The one that contains pics from Motorshow '04, my birthday and pics of beary(not the living one). I popped by Apple Centre while I was there and I finally got the case for my precious iPod. My friends all think I've lost my marbles because I've been spending so much on iPods. Yes, iPod'S'. This is my 2nd one. Not only do I have a clear plastic casing for the thing, I bought a clear film thing for it too. And yes my friends think it's insane to spend SGD$59 on a casing and then SGD$35 on the silicon film. I'm just anal about keeping the iPod scratch free ok? I know it's an obsessive compulsive behaviour but I just can't stand even a tiny hairline scratch on the thing. Not even fingerprints! Yes I know it's a sickness! But I just can't help it.

Alright, time to sleep now...I'll try to scoop up whatever's left of my brain tomorrow morning. Night night

Still conflicted at 2255hrs

Sappy

2300hrs: Sigh....my birthday off is coming to an end. Fine, at least I get a birthday off unlike most of my friends stuck in combat units. Most of the time their offs are non-existent. I've been feeling a little off kilter, a little downcast all day. It's like I've been walking with a thunderstorm above me which isn't too far off since I was caught in a downpour today. I know it's cause of beary and I know it's cause I'm sinking into that episode of kicking myself again. There've been many a times that beary inspired me to be a better person. Perhaps more eloquet, much more refined. Pick up piano playing perhaps and play her a tune on a Steinway grand piano just to win her heart. But I doubt the dexterity of my fingers will allow it even though I've got nice long ones perfect for reaching chords. But I've already known long ago that it's all useless nothing's gonna change what she said. And I know I've long given up but I don't know why I still dream sometimes. These days I think I'll just settle for adoring her as a friend. But it's obvious that I treat her differently from my other female friends. Then again, I'm not as close to the others as I am to her. That justifies the attention she gets, doesn't it?

I just saw the photos we took last night and I realise a smile naturally forms on my face when she's next to me. I don't know why but it just happens and I'm happy hanging out with her. Actually after looking at her photos it occurred to me that quite a few of her photos are better than mine. Or is it the digital camera? Even if she doesn't know about exposure or light she's got the composition firmly nailed down. Her composition is pretty good. Hmm...perhaps it's time I get myself one those digi cams just for the heck of it. It's getting late and fatigue is starting to gnaw at the edge of my consciousness. I actually had a lot more to write but I've forgotten most of it. Fatigue has once again robbed me of my thoughts. And my head is starting to numb causing me to blabber now. Yes, tomorrow I wake to another day in camp. At 0520hrs my two faithful alarm clocks(yes I need TWO) will be hammering their way into my slumber ushering me to the brand new day ahead. *Arggghhh*

Still conflicted at 2326hrs

Evening of Enchantment

0019hrs: Just came home from a wonderful evening spent with beary. And it was probably the best birthday ever. The evening though stretched for 5 hours, seemed so short with her beside me. Spending an evening with her seems so surreal, dreamy even. It is such a rare opportunity for me to be graced by her company. To just talk, laugh and tease the hours away. It was celestial if not magical just to sit and watch her eyes dance with laughter in the soft glow from the lamps along Esplanade. We sat there chatting for about an hour after a nice dinner at Baker's Inn Paragon. Just being in such close proximity to her resurrects the long dormant feelings I used to have for her. Being mesmerized by her enchanting laughter with the glow of moonlight reflecting off her skin. It took every ounce of my mental resistance not to reach out and stroke her hair. To be in her presence again was invigourating, the smell of her hair her laughter in the night air it was total sensory overload. I could've sat there forever just watching her, she is at her most beautiful when she's caught like this. There are moments in my life which I'll cherish forever and I guess this is one of those few comparable to my dream of catching the moonlight reflecting off a cloud ceiling from the cockpit of an F-16 with nothing but clear skies between the moon and the ceiling. Just pure serenity and beauty. The whole evening spent with her just blew me away and I was going 'WOW' and I'm still going 'WOW'. It was perhaps the single best present I've ever received.

She was asking me why guys think she's cute and adorable. How could we not? She's probably sent down by God for us mortal men to swoon over. It's in the way she laughs, the laughter that's enchanting but shy. When she sings it seems as if a choir of angels are singing through her. And the way she brushes her hair to the side while she's smiling, she looks really pretty when she does that. And she did smile a lot today especially when I surprised her with the bouquet of roses. That look when she saw the flowers was probably worth a billion. Just to see her light up like that made my heart go warm with satisfaction. I guess it was only fitting that the biggest bouquet I've ever given away should go to the sweetest girl I know. And yeah, she's indeed sweet, caring and lovely. The warmth she exudes could probably melt the polar ice caps. But what I enjoy most is her wit, that always seems to spring out like a jack rabbit. Her cheekiness is something else too, she can be quite naughty sometimes and it just makes her company all the more delightful. I think it's the whole package that makes her so attractive, she's pure sweetness. She's still in my opinion the most adorable girl I'll likely ever to meet. Have you ever seen the way her brown eyes look when she's sleepy? It just makes you wanna get her to a nice warm bed asap. I look at her sometimes and I go 'aaawwwwwww'. No one does that to me except her. And if she were mine, I'll be spoiling her silly and be smiling ear to ear while doing so. How could anyone say 'No' to that girl? I know I can't...she totally disarms me.

I know her heart already belongs to another. And I've already long accepted the fact that she's never gonna be by my side. Even though I'm willing to trade-in my first Ferrari just to have her by my side but it doesn't matter. She's like the the beautiful wild stallions that gallop across the American West. Too precious to be kept by my side because the rest of the world has to experience what a beautiful person she is. Only there in the hearts and minds of others does her beauty blossom.

Like a friend of mine once concluded, everyone of us has at one time or another met that perfect girl/guy whom we want to spend our lives with. But it is that perfection that doesn't allow us to be with that person. And I guess beary's that perfect girl for me. The fabled unicorn, my fabled unicorn, impossible to capture. The McLaren F1 is perhaps the standard that all other super sportscars are measured by. Well beary's the standard in which I measure all other girls. It sounds a little idealistic but beary's my ideal.

I'm still thinking about the evening I've spent with her. And it's probably the only one I'll spend with her for a long time to come perhaps a year or so. She's flying back to the States on the 22nd and she doesn't know when she'll be back. Even though she hasn't left yet, I'm already missing her terribly. I know it's dangerous for me to fall for her again. But tonight, just for tonight let me indulge in these feelings again and come morning I'll force it back into it's cage and throw the key away. It seems impossible for me to completely eradicate the feelings I have for her. No matter what I do, there'll always be this soft spot in me for her. Sometimes in my quiet reflection, I think I love her. But not the kind shared by lovers perhaps more similar to the kind shared by close friends. But come what may I'll always be by her side whether she needs my shoulder to cry on or not it'll be here. Perhaps time might wear it thin but it'll always be there for her.

I'd really like to find someone like her in time to come. I'd give up all the riches that I might amass in my future if only to have someone like her.

Beary,
Just want to let you know that the birthday spent with you was a blast. It is perhaps better than the party I had. Having you around as a friend was perhaps one of the best things that could've happen in my 21 years. And I do cherish the moments we've spent in the last 5 years. Though those moments are gonna be less now as we get older. Promise to take good care of yourself when you're back in the States? I don't know who else will tease me the way you do if anything happens to you. Perhaps you should listen to my suggestion about carrying a taser gun with you just in case some creep tries to get fresh with you. I'm missing you already... *bleah*

Happy, Happy Birthday Beary!

The Silly Chinchilla

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Someone Like You by Van Morrison

I've been searchin' a long time
for someone exactly like you
I've been travelling all around the world
waiting for you to come through

someone like you
will make it all worthwhile
someone like you
keep me satisfied
someone exactly like you

I've been travellin' a hard road
baby, lookin' for someone exactly like you
i've been carrying my heavy load
waitin' for the light to come shining through

someone like you
will make it all worthwhile
someone like you
make me satisfied
someone exactly like you

I've been doing some soul searching
find out where you're at
i've been up and down the highway
and all kinds of foreign lands

someone like you
will make it all worthwhile
someone like you
keep me satisfied
someone exactly like you

I've been all around the world
marching to the beat of a different drum
but just lately ive realized
baby the best is yet to come...

someone like you
will make it all worthwhile
someone like you
keep me satisfied
someone exactly like you

the best is yet to come...

Being 21...

0048hrs: I'm now 48mins into my 21st year but I feel no different than I did 48mins before. Fine, I know it's stupid. But somehow being 21 means my behaviour has to be more 'mature'. Even though I think I'll still remain like what I am now. Someone who still acts like a kid(sometimes) but has become a little more short tempered, curses a little more than he likes to all thanks to SAF. Honestly, I've never used the 'F' word so often until I was drafted into the military. Before, the most I'd use would be 'crap', 'shit' or I'll just do one of my growls. Yes, I growl when I get frustrated. Only when I'm pissed do I start using the full on profanity. Even so it's usually reined when I do use it. But now I seem to use it almost everyday as if it was the norm. I do hate it sometimes and I guess my resolution would be to stop cursing so much even though many a times in camp the situation calls for it. Even my temperament has changed since enlistment. I get ticked off so easily where before I'll usually be cool as ice in most situations. I don't know why I get angry so easily in camp. Perhaps it's the damned things that happens only in camp and the really 'special' pricks that can only be found in camp. My friend said perhaps it's just the enviroment and after I leave camp for good, I'll just revert back to my old self. I do hope what he says is true. I don't want to live out the rest of my life being a short tempered foul mouthed grouch.

It's funny how at 21 I'm still not too confident when talking to fairer ones. I spent more than an hour just now sitting in front of my com deliberating with myself on whether or not I should call someone. Actually I've been doing it all week and I kept convincing myself that it just wasn't the right time. But when I finally did call her, she said she couldn't talk cause she's watching tv. Cute, guess I won't call again. There isn't much point to it anyway. I know I should keep all channels of communication open but sometimes I feel it requires too much effort. And flowergirl just seems too out of reach for me. But these days, everyone seems out of reach for me. Even D sounds too good that's why I've decided to give up all these silly pursuits. I'm lacking in so much. I feel as if my intellect is not where it should be for a 21 year old. Thus I'm gonna work on it awhile and see if anything glows.

Beary woke me up today with a phonecall. She was calling to see if we're going out to celebrate my birthday. Actually our birthdays since it's only a day apart. Which I guess is one of the reasons why we're such good friends. During the 44 minute conversation, I just had to ask her about this guy she likes. Well hearing how she's going on about this guy somehow makes me feel funny. I mean I've already been over her for so long but I guess it's just the residual feelings that wonder if I could've been that guy if perhaps things might've been different if I were just a little more different than I am now. It's silly really. But just hearing about how smart, tall and handsome this guy is just made me feel unworthy to be around her. And sometimes such feelings just makes me want to distance myself from her. I know it's stupid that's why I don't indulge in such thoughts much. I mean to keep away from a good friend for such reasons just doesn't make sense. I guess I just don't like to hear her talking about the guys she likes even though I was the one who asked about it. I feel old when I hang around her. There's so much happening in her life, so much vibrance while mine's going on like an old silent movie repeating itself. Sometimes it just kills me inside wondering about what I've missed out in my life. If perhaps my life would've been more colourful with a JC life to talk about. I remember in my O level year I used to rant and rave about going to a JC. How much fun there'd be with the fairer sex around(since I was from an all boys school throughout the 11 years of education I had). Not going anywhere after O levels was perhaps the most detrimental to my social life. Even now my friends still only consist of some old school friends or church friends. And even those I don't keep in touch much cause they've moved on to other social circles and thus I've been only socialising with me, myself and I most of the time. It's a sad life I know but it's the only one I know right now.

It's depressing to look back on your 21st Birthday knowing you haven't achieved much. Wondering where the last 3 years have gone. Some pals of mine are in Uni now or are going to Uni soon. Some even already have their careers charted. Like beary she's on scholarship with this scientific research organisation with a career waiting for her when she's done with her studies. But me, I'm still lost. Not knowing if I'll ever fly or if I'll ever be able to leave the country and experience life in the U.S. or Europe. Life just seems to get a little harder with age especially when you've got no navigator to helm the ship.

Still conflicted at 0131hrs

Breathless...

0134hrs: I haven't had an asthma attack for at least 6 months. But somehow on Tuesday it happened that feeling of having to make an effort to breathe like having someone clamp down your chest and squeezing your airpipe. I went down to the medical centre then the doc decided to nebulize me. I always feel like Darth Vader when they neb me. It's just the sound of the compressor running in the background and the vapour coming out from the respirator just reminds me of it. Anyways I got breathless again on Thursday night during guard duty. Was sent down to the medical facility in Pasir Laba camp at 2300hrs. Doc said it wasn't my asthma cause my heart and lungs were fine, probably just needed some rest so he excused me from guard duty. My poor friend had to cover my shift while doing his own. He ended up standing for 4 hours instead of 2 hours on 4 hours off. I feel really bad about it. Promised him a treat on Wednesday though. Guess I've just been pretty sick and out of action. My knees are going to shit cause I've stopped taking my Glucosamine supplements cause I've run out and I haven't gone down to Gleneagles to get more. Seems like I'm dependant on this supplement for the rest of my life. The moment I stop taking it, my knees start feeling funny. It's sad to know that I'm dependant on pills now just cause I've got soft cartilage under the kneecaps. But I've got a long weekend. Platoon Commander gave me off on Monday cause of my Birthday. Which is nice, I'm still thinking if I should go visit my pals in NUS on Monday or catch 'The Aviator'(for obvious reasons).

It's one day to my birthday. Yes, that big TWO-ONE is upon me. I've decided to stop having any romantic thoughts about anyone. I should be focusing more on myself and what I want to achive this year. And like she said once, it's silly for me to like someone I hardly know. Actually I've never really liked her, I just wanted to know her and the more she denied me the harder I pushed for it. It's starting to make me look stupid and I hate to look stupid. I look stupid because she's indifferent to everything I say or do. Getting her amused with one of my entries was about the only success(if you could call it that) I've had with breaking through her ice-cold citadel. Anymore attempts would just be fruitless and foolish.

I've been meaning to go work out but I can't seem to find the time. I freaking came home at 8pm on Monday just because some guy lost his wallet and everybody got held back because of it. And I'm dog tired when I get home. *sigh*

Still conflicted at 0203hrs

Shilka + 3 layered Air Defence Net = 0 KGB

2214hrs: Just learnt of some discouraging news. Shilka just pretty much blasted me back to the stone age. Apparently there's this new guy in her life and he's normal. Does that make me abnormal? She seems to have quoted the stuff I said to her in one of my entries. And I'm being caught in a very bad light. Perhaps it is wrong of me to indulge in any thoughts of a person I barely know. What I know is just a personality on a screen, which may or may not be a facade. But it bothers me that someone's caught her attention(which is about the hardest thing to do compared to rocket science). I feel like I've just flown through SA-1, SA-7 & SA-14 SAMsites and then have her gun me down again to make sure I'm completely vapourised. I'm acting like a crushed adolescent here even though I'm 4 days from turning 21. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a long long time. That envy and the going 'Why? Why? Why?'. I've gotta go sleep now I've got guard duty tomorrow...how convenient...I can just grill this over in my head during the 6 hours of guard duty. Sad isn't it? That I'm bothered by someone I don't know personally.

You Don't Know Me by Ray Charles

Italics by yours truly

You give your hand to me(More like you pulled it away)
And then you say hello(I tend to hear goodbyes more often from you)
And I can hardly speak(Because you're gone before I can say anything)
My heart is beating so(You always send it into overdrive)
And anyone can tell(No, actually it's just me)
You think you know me well(You've assumed too much)
But you don't know me(At least I don't think you do)

No, you don't know the one(Guess who?)
Who dreams of you each night(No I don't, I just wonder that's all)
Who longs to kiss your lips(I wouldn't dare)
And longs to hold you tight(Petrified!!!)
To you I'm just a friend(I think I'm barely there)
That's all I've ever been(For the past few months)
No, you don't know me(But I wish you did)

I never knew the art of making love(Honestly I don't, I'm a babe in the woods on this one)
Though my heart aches with love for you, yeah(It doesn't ache for you, it just wonders about you sometimes)
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by(You've never offered me a chance anyway)
The chance that you might love me too(This would only be a dream, a dream I dare not dream)

You give your hand to me(Don''t suppose you could reach into your screen and have it come out of mine huh? But I think I'll pass out if that ever happens)
And then you say goodbye(You always do to me, you won't stay even for 5 mins)
And then I watch you walk away(No, I just watch you go offline)
Beside the lucky guy(That dude better know how rare it is to capture your attention, I'll be happy to spell it out for him if he doesn't)
I know you'll never know(You do now, I guess)
The one who loves you so(I don't, just a feeling I had dum dum dum dee dee da)
No, you don't know me(How could you ever?)

But I never knew the art of making love(Making what?! This line isn't suppose to be here but I'm sure Tom Jones would have some tips on that)
Though my heart aches with love for you(It doesn't!!! Stop saying it does!!! *blush*)
Afraid and shy, and I let my chance go by(I really didn't see one and I don't think you've ever offered one)
The chance that you might love me too(Oh I dare not hope, that's like having a Ferrari drop through the roof and into my room but I think it'll kill me before I realise it's there)

You give your hand to me(To offer a slap?)
And then you say goodbye(Bye bye)
And then I watch you walk away(I'm really starting to love your back view)
Beside the lucky guy(It's gotta be better than striking the $10 million lottery)
Oh you'll never, ever know(Even if you do, I don't think you'll bother about it)
The one who loves you so(I don't, just feel that you should be well looked after not that you can't look after yourself)
No, you don't know me(You've never given me a chance)

I said, you'll never, ever know(Perhaps not ever unless God smiles on me tonight)
The one who loves you so(Wrong word, too strong)
Cause you don't know me(Wish you did though)
No, you don't know me(*Looks at you*)

Still conflicted at 2249hrs

Happy, happy birthday baby

2231hrs: I just had my 21st birthday party over the weekend. Even though I'm filled with aches and pains from the party, it was well worth it. I held my birthday at a friend's condominium with pool, bbq pits and a nice function room where all my lazy friends decided to watch DVDs until they were called upon. The party started out as a disaster cause it was raining till evening when the party was gonna start. The rain was a big factor cause it was a bbq party(even though there wasn't much to BBQ). But thankfully the rain finally let up closer to the party and it stopped completely when we got there. But the charcoals hadn't arrived yet and well the BBQ started really late but it was alright cause there were cooked food around. My birthday didn't go as well as I had wanted it to. There was suppose to be video coverage of the event but due to some really stupid reason, there isn't any. Cause I left the house in a hurry and I left the tapes(for the videocamera) at home. So in the middle of the party I came home to look for the tapes but it wasn't any where in the house. So I just gritted my teeth, cursed a little and went on with the party knowing that the tapes would almost certainly pop up only AFTER the party. Sure enough when I got home and was preparing to go to bed, my Aunt tells me "Oh by the way I have your tapes in my bag". I was going "What? Why are my tapes in your bag?!!! I was looking for it the whole night and they were in your bag all along???!!!". So there, the mother of all foul ups right there in my face. My Aunt knowing I forgot the tapes decided to bring it for me when she arrived at the party later. But she totally forgot about it while I was madly searching for the damned tapes and the tapes were in her bag ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Can you imagine the frustration???!!! Once in a bloody lifetime I have a 21st birthday party and I wanted it on tape. The cameraman(or woman in this case) was in place but the tapes I promised to bring was no where to be found!!! I'm still pretty pissed over this little incident knowing it was only possible with insurmountable arseluck that I was blessed with last night.

But overall the party was alright even though the host was running around disappearing for most of the night searching for the bloody tapes. During the later part of the night my Godma(Godmother) sat me down and asked if that girl over there is my girlfriend. I was going "What girl?" then I saw her. It was BEARY!!! Of course I replied "Of course not!" even though in my head I was wishing. It was so nice to see beary again after so long. She looks a little chubbier now but still cute and lovely as ever. Of course I gave her my usual greeting. A little poke to her side and she jumped. Then I caught her big beautiful brown eyes again ahhh how I've missed them. Heh...yes I know even after so long she still stops my heart every time I see her. Anyways I'll skip to the more exciting part.


My custom made birthday cake. *yum*


I felt so weird standing there with everyone singing 'Happy Birthday' to me. Thus I ended up straightening my shirt.


The cake cutting. And then.....

After I cut the cake, my good pals who were previously lazing around watching DVDs became suddenly alert. I was chatting with them when one of them jerks my arm causing me to slip and fall on my bottom(which isn't very well cushioned btw). The next thing I know they were picking me up, with both of my arms locked under each of theirs. The cameras were out and they told me to pose for a group picture while telling me to relax or else it's gonna hurt even more. Immediately after the pictures were taken, they got me down with each of them holding on to each of my limbs asking if I've got any electronic items to declare. After which they hauled me up in one united motion and proceeded to carry me down the flight of stairs to the swimming pool. While telling me struggling would only delay the inevitable. Well they carried me all the way to the pool side with all my relatives, parents, siblings watching me from above. All having a good time laughing over my predicament. When they reached the pool, each of them held on to me and began the swings. On the third swing I was pretty much a goner. So whoopeedoo I'm all nice and wet. I got back up while they were scrambling and I gave chase to the nearest guy. Knowing the floor was wet and having little grip on my bare feet, I slipped when I got on the wooden platform. I slipped in such a fluid motion even I'm surprised. In that few seconds, I was running from one end of the platfrom then I was sliding on my bum towards the end of the platfrom by the time I got to the end, I was on my feet and running again all in one fluid motion. I gave up after I fell anyway.

As you can see from the above pictures, I'm properly restrained for the photo-taking.

Help!

Being carried down to the pool like a hog headed for the slaughter. Of course not missing a Kodak moment in the process.

Well when everything I ended I wasn't allowed to go home until I finished this little glass of Chivas Regal. Now any regulars of my diary would know very well that I can't drink and the taste of hard liquor makes me wanna hurl. So drinking down that itsy bitsy drink took me like 10mins with the last swig causing me to gag.

Anyways I got home really really high even though I only took a few sips of the stuff. It worked really really fast and I was pretty red just before going to bed. Anyways I still opened my angpows in that state and I made a profit from throwing a party! How many people can say they made a profit from a party? My relatives and friends were really generous I guess because I'm only 21 once in my life. When I got to the presents, I realised all my friends gave me books except beary. Well my friends got me a novel, a book on Harley Motorcycles, one on Navy Warships and another on photography. All my loves. I save beary's for last.

Beary gave me a teddy bear named *surprise surprise* beary. She gave me my own beary...haha. Anyways in the stoned state I took beary(the teddy bear of course...sheesh!) to bed last night. I haven't had a bear since as long as I can remember. Anyways I was just glad to see all my pals during my birthday just regret I didn't get a chance to take a picture with beary. Haven't taken a pic with her since years ago. Think I'll get another chance cause she'll be celebrating my actual birthday with me. I'm wondering what to get for her birthday but I think I've already got something in mind. hmm...anyways I know this isn't a very colourful entry cause I'm feeling quite dull now and besides I'm way past my bed time. I'm still aching and bruised all over thanks to the fall and rough handling. I hope I won't ache as much tomorrow. heh...I did wish someone else was there at the party too but according to her she didn't get my invitation but she wouldn't have gone anyway. Oh well...

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby by Fleetwoods

Happy Happy Birthday Baby, although youre with somebody new
Thought Id drop a line to say that I wish this happy day
would find me beside you.

Happy Happy Birthday Baby, no I cant call you my baby
Seems like years ago we met on a day I cant forget
cause thats when we fell in love.

Do you remember the names we had for each other
I was your pretty, you were my baby
how could we say goodbye.

Hope I didnt spoil your birthday, Im not acting like a lady
So Ill close this note to you with good luck and wishes too
Happy Happy Birthday Baby.

Still conflicted at 2335hrs

Questions

2200hrs: It's pass my bedtime but I've got something I need to get off my chest first. I've been getting a lot of flak(sorry just can't get away from aircraft terms...hmm flak reminds me of someone) from my Aunts about the way I treat my Dad. I don't deny I hate my Dad cause I really do. It's cause of him that my relatives think my family is a failure. And I can feel my Uncles are hanging on to the edge of their seats waiting to see if I'll turn out like my useless brother. The really hypocritic thing about my Uncles is that when my Mum left me and my siblings to our own devices when I was 5, none of my Uncles chipped in to help. Only my Aunts took us in, took care of us and made sure we didn't go astray.

My Dad being the 'teenager' that he thinks he is, couldn't care less about us. He continued in his drinking, gambling and womanizing ways. There's so many reasons for me to hate my Dad I don't even know where to start. After so many years of analyzing my shattered family's situation, here's what I got. My family started not because Mum met Dad and they fell for eachother.

NOooooo...reason why they got married was cause Dad knocked Mum up. Simple as that. I mean how does one feel about being conceived by accident? Through the wisdom of my Grandma, Dad was forced to marry Mum because 'it was the right thing to do'. Even though my religion is against abortion, I would've rather they aborted my eldest brother. Then they wouldn't have to get married and my Dad wouldn't destroy so many lives all at once. Even after marriage my Dad never took responsibility for the family. He continued in his decadent(i.e. gambling heavily, smoking, drinking & whoring) ways as if he were single. And I've heard from my Aunts about how he used to go whoring and coming back with pictures of him with a whore in bed and he would show it to my Mum. I mean cheating on your wife is bad enough but to come back with pictures and showing them proudly to your wife???!!! As you can see my family was never founded on love. No, that's not all he did. When my bro was in Sec 3(15 years old) devoid from the attention one would get from loving, caring parents, he got into bad company. He did some hell-raising but academically he was average doing fine in most of his subjects. One day the principal called home because my bro was caught stealing bicycles in school and he wanted to 'talk' to any one of the parents. Unfortunately my Dad answered the call because no one was home and he took it upon himself to make a trip to go 'talk' to the principal. A normal parent would try more than anything else to give their children a proper education hoping that he/she would succeed in life. But no, my Dad had other ideas twisted ones if you will. He came home from the principal's office proudly announced to the household(more to my brother) that he just did his own son a favour by getting him kicked out of school. My brother upon hearing the news broke down completely while my Dad sarcastically told my bro he need not attend school anymore. So my bro was taken out of school at 15 without even an 'O' Level cert. I wouldn't be surprised that if he had sat for his exams, he'd do better than me. But I guess he lost all hope after hearing what my Dad did and he never spoke to my Dad for quite a few years after that. And he never recovered from what my Dad did. He just went downhill after that and he's still going downhill. He's 31 now and he's still job hopping with no stable career or income. And everyone in my extended family thinks he's a useless bum and that I'll be following in his footsteps soon. Man, sometimes I get so touched by all this confidence my Uncles bestow on me. My sis never had it easy too. She was doing quite well in her lower sec but at some point in time after the realisation about what kinda family she was born into, she lost hope. I've spent countless nights analyzing this whole situation about my family and I've realised. That at some point in time, my bro, sis and I all went through the same phase and asked ourselves the same questions I'm still asking now. Why? Why is it that our family is so different? Why is it that our friend's families all seem so perfect whiles ours is so FUBAR(Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition). I know I've been running that question through my head more than a million times now. I go to my buddy's house and I see his Dad playing with his baby brother and I feel sad and envious. Why couldn't I be blessed with a proper family like that to grow up in? My friend's Dad isn't some executive he's just a simple man who's worked hard to bring bread home to his family. And my friend's Mum takes good care of everyone while his Dad's gone but at night they'll all spend quality time together. And I've witnessed these occasions quite a few times when I went over to study and it made me feel warm but at the same time so depressed. The sadness I felt was too much for a 16 year old to take. I've never asked for much I just wanted a proper household to grow up in with parent's that gave a hoot about their own children. But no, my siblings and I were left to our own devices at a young age. But I was the lucky one while my bro and sis lived in the family house, I was taken away to live with my two Aunts. Because I was still very young at the time when my Mum left and obviously my Dad couldn't be bothered to take care of us. He probably wasn't even bothered that my Mum left if he even noticed at all.

My childhood was a confusing time for me because at the time I didn't understand what was going on. I lived without my Mum till I was 8. But I still remember clearly how my Mum and Dad fought on the first day of school. I was entering Montfort Junior in 1991 at age of 7 into Primary 1(duh!). On the first day my Mum,Dad and Aunts were there. And even though my Mum had by then left the household for quite awhile already, I was still happy to see her. And she even brought my favourite(at the time) Filet-O-Fish for me. I was happily munching on my burger when my Dad took the burger from my hands and threw it into the bushes and gave me something else instead. And well things got ugly from there. They started quarreling and hurling parts of my Happy Meal at each other with all the other parents watching this real life drama develop in front of their eyes while I just hid behind my Aunts scared and not knowing what was going on. I remember one of my Aunts tried to stop them and got my Happy Meal milk on herself. But later when I was back in class I remember the kid sitting next to me asked me why my parents were fighting. I can’t remember what my answer was but I think it was something along the lines of ‘I don’t know’. But I think I cried about it when I got home. I also recall often going to the Subordinate Courts even though I didn’t care much about going there but I was still happy to go. Cause someone would always buy me a nice toy on the way home so the boredom was very much worth it to a 7 year old kid. When I was 8 my Aunts had to pass me on to a babysitter because they were working long hours and taking care of my sick Grandma and they didn’t have time for me. So I was sent to what they thought was a very good babysitter. It was alright for the first 3 days and then it turned into one of the worst times of my life. I admit that I wasn’t an easy kid to have around but I was imprisoned Mondays to Fridays and I only saw my Aunts on weekends. My babysitter & her family was probably the meanest people I’ll ever remember. They made me feel like an outsider and I was always locked up in the room. Not allowed to move around the house at will. I remember when I got home from school in the afternoons, I’ll be sent to my room and was made to stay there till dinner time after which I’ll stay till bed time. It felt like a prison!!! I was devoid of any cartoons or friends. And to make it worse her teenage son(who’s a bloody ugly gargoyle of a person anyway) used to bully me. He would shout at me for no reason basically venting whatever frustrations he had on me. I remember many nights in that place looking out the window after bedtime with the lights off listening to my Godmother’s dogs barking away 10 floors below. And it was those nights that I spent alone wondering where my parents were. I’d always be so happy when the weekends came and I’d get to see my Aunts again and I’d dread Sunday evenings when I’d be sent back to that hellhole. I remember whenever my Aunt walked me to the last flight of stairs leading to the house I’ll start crying, begging her not to bring me back to that place. It was so bad that it still makes me sad when I think about it. I hated that place but after awhile at some point during my 8th year I was taken out of that hellhole and went off to live with my Mum for awhile until I was 9 or 10 which I moved back to my Aunts place because my Aunts felt that my Mum wasn’t doing a good job caring for me. And I’ve been with my Aunts ever since.

So it’s little wonder that I can go for months without seeing any of my parents. Whereas when I was very little, I was known to call out “Mummy” in my dreams after my Mum left the household. And because my babysitter’s voice sounded so much like my Mum, I’d run down the stairs thinking that it was my Mum coming to save me whenever my babysitter called out to me. How naïve an 8 year old can be. His face lighting up at the sound of his Mum’s voice only to be greeted by the satanic babysitter. I feel so much closer to my Aunts than I do to my own parents and I care so much more about my Aunts than I do my parents. And I’d avoid my Dad whenever I can but recently he’s been complaining to everyone about how disrespectful I’ve been to him. He complained about how I avoid him on the street when I see him or how I never call him Dad anymore. I guess I just felt that he wasn’t fit to be a father because he’s still not acting like one. And I’m ashamed of him, ashamed of telling any of my friends that that’s the person who gave me life. I’m ashamed of telling anyone what kinda family I come from. And perhaps that’s why I feel so different from my friends. Along with this severe inferiority complex I’ve developed over the years. Sometimes I’m caught up in thoughts about whether I was planned at all and if I was an accident. I do remember my Aunt telling me my Dad saying that I wasn’t his child when he found out my Mum was pregnant with me. Many a times I’ve wished I was never born at all wishing that I was aborted or lost due to a miscarriage. It would’ve been better not to be born at all if I knew it’d be like this.

It sometimes bothers me that I can be so cold and ruthless. I have no love for my own Mum and Dad or bro or sis for that matter. After living so long away from immediate family members, I don’t even remember being in a family anyway. Perhaps it is my family that has made me the person I am today. One who’s so unemotional or sympathetic to others. Even this whole Tsunami wave thing doesn’t bother me the least bit. First thing that comes to mind is ‘it’s just too bad for those who got killed, well shit happens’. I feel so numb inside as if I was carved from stone and not a being of flesh and blood. Maybe that’s why I feel so different among my friends. Because I never had the luxury of parents. But I did have my Aunts who provided me the best they could but still I feel something’s missing.

Now I’m caught up in this situation. My Dad paid for my birthday cake and all of sudden that’s supposed to make up for all the pain he’s caused me. Yes he gives me money now and then but I always feel like I get whatever’s left over from his gambling, drinking & smoking. Giving me money doesn’t make a difference to me. In the end you can’t buy emotions. I can’t imagine ever forgiving him for the things he’s done. I can’t even conceive of it! It was so hard to say ‘thank you’ to him when he called to tell me he paid for the cake and he left $50 with my Aunt for me. Does it make me a bastard to be like that? I don’t know, I really don’t know. God never offered the answers to my questions. Nor did he ever answer my prayers about my family. It’s as if when he came across my family, he turned the other way. I do wonder often if God even exists at all. He’s starting to sound like a fabled creature to me, like the unicorn. Everyone believes it exists but no one’s ever seen one(the unicorn I mean). Thus my cynicism on everything life throws at me. And I read recently in an article that cynical males die young. But I’ve never wanted to live long anyway. The past 20 years just seemed so hard on me. I just want to live fast, die young. It doesn’t matter if tomorrow never comes but I do wonder what happens if I do get snuffed out tomorrow. Will he punish me severely for the blasphemy I speak of? Doubting him and having so little faith. I’m still confused I’m 21 now and I’m still stuck with the same problems as when I was 15. It seems like a horribly sick cycle of my life repeating over and over again and I’m always left searching but in the end I’ve only found emptiness.

Still conflicted at 0000hrs

Meet the Fockers

2129hrs: I've been going blind with guard duty over the weekend, I did one on Friday(That's New Year's freaking eve!) and one more on Sunday. Of which I had to report at 0800hrs which pretty much meant that I didn't have much of a weekend. But thankfully I managed to get half day off today from my normally not so nice platoon commander. Anyways I took the chance to 'reclaim' my weekend by catching 'Meet The Fockers'. Which was quite a hilarious sequel to the first one. But God decided to play some kinda trick on me too. Thinking I had the best seat avaliable since I booked mine on the net. But noooooooo, I had to be seating in the middle of FOUR freaking lovey dovey couples! FOUR! What's the chance of that ever happening to another single??!! Is someone trying to remind me I'm 21 and single???!!! I mean I've already been feeling a little gloomy over the fact that I've lost a lot of friends in the last 3 years because my Birthday Party guestlist is looking pretty empty even though I rented a big place for it. One of my friends just makes it a point to always forcefully remind me of my academic status. And why I should stay single. The last time I met up with him for dinner, 2 of my friends were asking about the love life of other 2 which consists of me and this great friend of mine. I said I don't have a love life even though I did have a passing fancy on someone. And when I told my friends about that someone, my friend quipped in and said, " Ben, girls like her and you will NEVER mix look at yourself you're only(barely) an O level holder and she's an undergraduate in bio-engineering. Give it up, she's not for you." It really hurt to hear it like that. And recently he said the same thing again to me when he came over to pick something up from me. He said something about me not good enough for such girls and told me to snuff out whatever ideas I had about them. The way he put it sounds as if me being an O level holder means I'm not fit for anyone. Yes! I failed my Math, Chinese, History, Science. Does that mean I'm not fit to be a human being? Must I always be measured by my academic results? I mean I'm sorry I'm not like my friends who score 3As at 'A' levels from prestigeous Junior Colleges. I guess being 'O' levels really means I'm naturally stupid. I say thanks to my friend for showing me that reality. I really needed that if not I would never have known my true value as a human being(or trash of society if you like). I'm sure you'll be able to bag that great girl because only the really good ones are meant for 'A' Level males like yourself. I'm sure with your S$10,000 salary a month as a Masters Degree holder in Aeronautical Engineering your girl's gonna love you like no other. And whatever's left would be meant for lowly people like me. People who can't do arithmetic like you, people unable to understand Einstein's theories of relativity in relation to space and time. Why of course! With the 'A' level education you've received you must have a brilliant mind unlike my blob of fat incapable of ever understanding an equation on Nuclar Fission or Cold Fusion theories. But with all the education you received, you've never learnt the meaning of 'tact' did you? It hurt to hear it from someone I consider my buddy but a buddy won't put me down the way you did. Perhaps you meant well but your delivery sucked. Don't you think I've been kicking myself since the day I left school? Do you think I don't feel miserable about my current state? You, like so many of my friends are going into Uni while I'm still years behind in my academic pursuits. I've never discovered the limits of my mind nor have I ever pursued my studies with vigour like you did. And that was my downfall I know most of this mess is my fault but don't my own parents have a share of it too? If they've paid a little more attention to me I might not have turned out to be such a failure. And if that person known as my father had been more responsible as a husband and father perhaps I wouldn't have felt so depressed throughout my conscious life. I do hate my life sometimes. No, actually most of the time. How I've wished so many nights that I could wake up to a different life perhaps even in a different country. To be away from my family completely to be far far away never to hear from them again. And perhaps that's my eventual goal in my life to be able to travel the world or be able to work in a completely different country in my dream job. To be away from all this to just fly till my heart's content. But alas this is still my life...a misery I relive everyday. My misery, the misery I created the day I gave up on myself.

Still conflicted at 2200hrs