Meet the Fockers

2129hrs: I've been going blind with guard duty over the weekend, I did one on Friday(That's New Year's freaking eve!) and one more on Sunday. Of which I had to report at 0800hrs which pretty much meant that I didn't have much of a weekend. But thankfully I managed to get half day off today from my normally not so nice platoon commander. Anyways I took the chance to 'reclaim' my weekend by catching 'Meet The Fockers'. Which was quite a hilarious sequel to the first one. But God decided to play some kinda trick on me too. Thinking I had the best seat avaliable since I booked mine on the net. But noooooooo, I had to be seating in the middle of FOUR freaking lovey dovey couples! FOUR! What's the chance of that ever happening to another single??!! Is someone trying to remind me I'm 21 and single???!!! I mean I've already been feeling a little gloomy over the fact that I've lost a lot of friends in the last 3 years because my Birthday Party guestlist is looking pretty empty even though I rented a big place for it. One of my friends just makes it a point to always forcefully remind me of my academic status. And why I should stay single. The last time I met up with him for dinner, 2 of my friends were asking about the love life of other 2 which consists of me and this great friend of mine. I said I don't have a love life even though I did have a passing fancy on someone. And when I told my friends about that someone, my friend quipped in and said, " Ben, girls like her and you will NEVER mix look at yourself you're only(barely) an O level holder and she's an undergraduate in bio-engineering. Give it up, she's not for you." It really hurt to hear it like that. And recently he said the same thing again to me when he came over to pick something up from me. He said something about me not good enough for such girls and told me to snuff out whatever ideas I had about them. The way he put it sounds as if me being an O level holder means I'm not fit for anyone. Yes! I failed my Math, Chinese, History, Science. Does that mean I'm not fit to be a human being? Must I always be measured by my academic results? I mean I'm sorry I'm not like my friends who score 3As at 'A' levels from prestigeous Junior Colleges. I guess being 'O' levels really means I'm naturally stupid. I say thanks to my friend for showing me that reality. I really needed that if not I would never have known my true value as a human being(or trash of society if you like). I'm sure you'll be able to bag that great girl because only the really good ones are meant for 'A' Level males like yourself. I'm sure with your S$10,000 salary a month as a Masters Degree holder in Aeronautical Engineering your girl's gonna love you like no other. And whatever's left would be meant for lowly people like me. People who can't do arithmetic like you, people unable to understand Einstein's theories of relativity in relation to space and time. Why of course! With the 'A' level education you've received you must have a brilliant mind unlike my blob of fat incapable of ever understanding an equation on Nuclar Fission or Cold Fusion theories. But with all the education you received, you've never learnt the meaning of 'tact' did you? It hurt to hear it from someone I consider my buddy but a buddy won't put me down the way you did. Perhaps you meant well but your delivery sucked. Don't you think I've been kicking myself since the day I left school? Do you think I don't feel miserable about my current state? You, like so many of my friends are going into Uni while I'm still years behind in my academic pursuits. I've never discovered the limits of my mind nor have I ever pursued my studies with vigour like you did. And that was my downfall I know most of this mess is my fault but don't my own parents have a share of it too? If they've paid a little more attention to me I might not have turned out to be such a failure. And if that person known as my father had been more responsible as a husband and father perhaps I wouldn't have felt so depressed throughout my conscious life. I do hate my life sometimes. No, actually most of the time. How I've wished so many nights that I could wake up to a different life perhaps even in a different country. To be away from my family completely to be far far away never to hear from them again. And perhaps that's my eventual goal in my life to be able to travel the world or be able to work in a completely different country in my dream job. To be away from all this to just fly till my heart's content. But alas this is still my life...a misery I relive everyday. My misery, the misery I created the day I gave up on myself.

Still conflicted at 2200hrs