Being 21...
0048hrs: I'm now 48mins into my 21st year but I feel no different than I did 48mins before. Fine, I know it's stupid. But somehow being 21 means my behaviour has to be more 'mature'. Even though I think I'll still remain like what I am now. Someone who still acts like a kid(sometimes) but has become a little more short tempered, curses a little more than he likes to all thanks to SAF. Honestly, I've never used the 'F' word so often until I was drafted into the military. Before, the most I'd use would be 'crap', 'shit' or I'll just do one of my growls. Yes, I growl when I get frustrated. Only when I'm pissed do I start using the full on profanity. Even so it's usually reined when I do use it. But now I seem to use it almost everyday as if it was the norm. I do hate it sometimes and I guess my resolution would be to stop cursing so much even though many a times in camp the situation calls for it. Even my temperament has changed since enlistment. I get ticked off so easily where before I'll usually be cool as ice in most situations. I don't know why I get angry so easily in camp. Perhaps it's the damned things that happens only in camp and the really 'special' pricks that can only be found in camp. My friend said perhaps it's just the enviroment and after I leave camp for good, I'll just revert back to my old self. I do hope what he says is true. I don't want to live out the rest of my life being a short tempered foul mouthed grouch.
It's funny how at 21 I'm still not too confident when talking to fairer ones. I spent more than an hour just now sitting in front of my com deliberating with myself on whether or not I should call someone. Actually I've been doing it all week and I kept convincing myself that it just wasn't the right time. But when I finally did call her, she said she couldn't talk cause she's watching tv. Cute, guess I won't call again. There isn't much point to it anyway. I know I should keep all channels of communication open but sometimes I feel it requires too much effort. And flowergirl just seems too out of reach for me. But these days, everyone seems out of reach for me. Even D sounds too good that's why I've decided to give up all these silly pursuits. I'm lacking in so much. I feel as if my intellect is not where it should be for a 21 year old. Thus I'm gonna work on it awhile and see if anything glows.
Beary woke me up today with a phonecall. She was calling to see if we're going out to celebrate my birthday. Actually our birthdays since it's only a day apart. Which I guess is one of the reasons why we're such good friends. During the 44 minute conversation, I just had to ask her about this guy she likes. Well hearing how she's going on about this guy somehow makes me feel funny. I mean I've already been over her for so long but I guess it's just the residual feelings that wonder if I could've been that guy if perhaps things might've been different if I were just a little more different than I am now. It's silly really. But just hearing about how smart, tall and handsome this guy is just made me feel unworthy to be around her. And sometimes such feelings just makes me want to distance myself from her. I know it's stupid that's why I don't indulge in such thoughts much. I mean to keep away from a good friend for such reasons just doesn't make sense. I guess I just don't like to hear her talking about the guys she likes even though I was the one who asked about it. I feel old when I hang around her. There's so much happening in her life, so much vibrance while mine's going on like an old silent movie repeating itself. Sometimes it just kills me inside wondering about what I've missed out in my life. If perhaps my life would've been more colourful with a JC life to talk about. I remember in my O level year I used to rant and rave about going to a JC. How much fun there'd be with the fairer sex around(since I was from an all boys school throughout the 11 years of education I had). Not going anywhere after O levels was perhaps the most detrimental to my social life. Even now my friends still only consist of some old school friends or church friends. And even those I don't keep in touch much cause they've moved on to other social circles and thus I've been only socialising with me, myself and I most of the time. It's a sad life I know but it's the only one I know right now.
It's depressing to look back on your 21st Birthday knowing you haven't achieved much. Wondering where the last 3 years have gone. Some pals of mine are in Uni now or are going to Uni soon. Some even already have their careers charted. Like beary she's on scholarship with this scientific research organisation with a career waiting for her when she's done with her studies. But me, I'm still lost. Not knowing if I'll ever fly or if I'll ever be able to leave the country and experience life in the U.S. or Europe. Life just seems to get a little harder with age especially when you've got no navigator to helm the ship.
Still conflicted at 0131hrs
It's funny how at 21 I'm still not too confident when talking to fairer ones. I spent more than an hour just now sitting in front of my com deliberating with myself on whether or not I should call someone. Actually I've been doing it all week and I kept convincing myself that it just wasn't the right time. But when I finally did call her, she said she couldn't talk cause she's watching tv. Cute, guess I won't call again. There isn't much point to it anyway. I know I should keep all channels of communication open but sometimes I feel it requires too much effort. And flowergirl just seems too out of reach for me. But these days, everyone seems out of reach for me. Even D sounds too good that's why I've decided to give up all these silly pursuits. I'm lacking in so much. I feel as if my intellect is not where it should be for a 21 year old. Thus I'm gonna work on it awhile and see if anything glows.
Beary woke me up today with a phonecall. She was calling to see if we're going out to celebrate my birthday. Actually our birthdays since it's only a day apart. Which I guess is one of the reasons why we're such good friends. During the 44 minute conversation, I just had to ask her about this guy she likes. Well hearing how she's going on about this guy somehow makes me feel funny. I mean I've already been over her for so long but I guess it's just the residual feelings that wonder if I could've been that guy if perhaps things might've been different if I were just a little more different than I am now. It's silly really. But just hearing about how smart, tall and handsome this guy is just made me feel unworthy to be around her. And sometimes such feelings just makes me want to distance myself from her. I know it's stupid that's why I don't indulge in such thoughts much. I mean to keep away from a good friend for such reasons just doesn't make sense. I guess I just don't like to hear her talking about the guys she likes even though I was the one who asked about it. I feel old when I hang around her. There's so much happening in her life, so much vibrance while mine's going on like an old silent movie repeating itself. Sometimes it just kills me inside wondering about what I've missed out in my life. If perhaps my life would've been more colourful with a JC life to talk about. I remember in my O level year I used to rant and rave about going to a JC. How much fun there'd be with the fairer sex around(since I was from an all boys school throughout the 11 years of education I had). Not going anywhere after O levels was perhaps the most detrimental to my social life. Even now my friends still only consist of some old school friends or church friends. And even those I don't keep in touch much cause they've moved on to other social circles and thus I've been only socialising with me, myself and I most of the time. It's a sad life I know but it's the only one I know right now.
It's depressing to look back on your 21st Birthday knowing you haven't achieved much. Wondering where the last 3 years have gone. Some pals of mine are in Uni now or are going to Uni soon. Some even already have their careers charted. Like beary she's on scholarship with this scientific research organisation with a career waiting for her when she's done with her studies. But me, I'm still lost. Not knowing if I'll ever fly or if I'll ever be able to leave the country and experience life in the U.S. or Europe. Life just seems to get a little harder with age especially when you've got no navigator to helm the ship.
Still conflicted at 0131hrs
posted by Ben at 1:31 AM
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