Sappy

2300hrs: Sigh....my birthday off is coming to an end. Fine, at least I get a birthday off unlike most of my friends stuck in combat units. Most of the time their offs are non-existent. I've been feeling a little off kilter, a little downcast all day. It's like I've been walking with a thunderstorm above me which isn't too far off since I was caught in a downpour today. I know it's cause of beary and I know it's cause I'm sinking into that episode of kicking myself again. There've been many a times that beary inspired me to be a better person. Perhaps more eloquet, much more refined. Pick up piano playing perhaps and play her a tune on a Steinway grand piano just to win her heart. But I doubt the dexterity of my fingers will allow it even though I've got nice long ones perfect for reaching chords. But I've already known long ago that it's all useless nothing's gonna change what she said. And I know I've long given up but I don't know why I still dream sometimes. These days I think I'll just settle for adoring her as a friend. But it's obvious that I treat her differently from my other female friends. Then again, I'm not as close to the others as I am to her. That justifies the attention she gets, doesn't it?

I just saw the photos we took last night and I realise a smile naturally forms on my face when she's next to me. I don't know why but it just happens and I'm happy hanging out with her. Actually after looking at her photos it occurred to me that quite a few of her photos are better than mine. Or is it the digital camera? Even if she doesn't know about exposure or light she's got the composition firmly nailed down. Her composition is pretty good. Hmm...perhaps it's time I get myself one those digi cams just for the heck of it. It's getting late and fatigue is starting to gnaw at the edge of my consciousness. I actually had a lot more to write but I've forgotten most of it. Fatigue has once again robbed me of my thoughts. And my head is starting to numb causing me to blabber now. Yes, tomorrow I wake to another day in camp. At 0520hrs my two faithful alarm clocks(yes I need TWO) will be hammering their way into my slumber ushering me to the brand new day ahead. *Arggghhh*

Still conflicted at 2326hrs