Decadence

2004hrs: Just came home from the supermarket. Spent 20mins walking around looking for stuff to buy. Actually I just wanted to get 2 bottles of alcoholic sodas which would've cost less than $10 but I walked around somemore. So I ended my shopping with...

• 2 Bottles of alcoholic soda
• 1 tall glass for sodas
• 1 Hershey's Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
• 1 Lightly sweetened can of whip cream
• 1 2 litre tub of Cookies & Cream Ice-Cream
• 1 12-pack of Single Cheese slices

And the total was: $31.70

Yes, so I spent a little more than I was planning to. But I'm out of ice-cream and I really want to make myself a sundae this weekend. 4 scoops of ice-cream on 3 slices of pound cake with lots of whip cream and chocolate chips on top. *yum* Did I mention I've got a super high metabolic rate and I can eat as much as I want without gaining weight? Well I can. But I still try to exercise cause I'm all soft now. So I'm gonna have myself a party this weekend starting Friday night with a soda. In case you're wondering, no I don't really drink. I get tipsy really easily. I'll start sputtering nonsense after just 1 soda. I'm talking about a single bottle of 300ml soda with 5% alcohol content. Yes I know I can't hold my liqour well and that's why I only drink at home. I hate most liqour though. Especially the hardcore ones. Hate the taste of alcohol that's why I only drink sodas where the alcohol taste is severely muted.

Hmm...how was my day today? It's much better than yesterday but can be better. The security pass is still missing and I've already resigned myself to paying the $50. The $50 which I was saving for my 160GB hard disk drive. Actually I had $150 set aside for the drive but I had to take out $62 to pay for medical bills then I had to take another $30 to pay for bus fare so now I'm left with only $50. And that $50 is gonna be gone too so I'm gonna be left with nothing. So Phase I of getting my Ipod is held back ANOTHER month. I need the 160GB hard disk drive to get my stuff organised so that I'll have space to play my games, have my music library & space for my 'work'. Sigh, must get hard disk ASAP.

Oh and in answer to the mysterious person who left an anonymous note in my last entry,

No, looks aren't that important to me. I've always had my priorities in the right place. The thing that attracts me most is the person's personality. The person doesn't have to be drop dead gorgeous or a 'babe'. I'm not gonna be showing her off to anyone. As long as I'm happy being with her and she appreciates my presence and attention, that's enough. I'm not like most guys who go around proclaiming they've got themselves a 'trophy'. "Hey man, look at me!!! I got myself a BABE!!!". That's just not me. I've always considered looks as a bonus not a priority. The thing about this friend I met yesterday is that she's a really sweet, kind and gentle person. And she looked really different from the last time I saw her(which was at least a year ago). She's the kind of girl I've always dreamt of having but could never find cause they're an endangered species in Singapore. I'm wondering if it'll be weird if I gave her a call out of the blue since we were never close in the first place. Sorry I digressed but I would like an opinion on the last point I made.

So does that answer your question, mystery girl?

Note: I'm still talking with a lisp cause of all the ulcers in my mouth. And I think I'm growing a new one. The damned ulcers are only getting worse. Sigh, can't eat properly, can't talk properly. Anyone has any ideas on how to cure mouth ulcers?

The Path of Least Existence*French accent*

1941hrs: There are days that I question the meaning of my existence and I’ve been having such days more often than ever since I’ve been conscripted. All I’ve wanted today was for this miserable day to end. I just wanted it to end, nothing else mattered. Everything that happened today just seemed to get from bad to worse to suicidal.

Firstly, I had little sleep last night because I stayed up past my bedtime to listen to someone’s problems but I got snapped at instead. Perhaps I should blame myself for being a busybody when I should’ve just gone to bed when it was time. Woke up this morning feeling all stoned and sleepy. I had to drag myself out of bed and then drag myself to the bus stop even though I’m so stoned. Then had a bloody shitty(literally) start to my morning. Started the day stepping on monkey shit you can’t go far in my base without seeing a pile of it. Nothing stinks like monkey shit and I almost wanted to hurl when I caught that putrid smell. I once suggested to my Commanding Officer that we should shoot the monkeys with air rifles because even he was stumped about the primate problem. There are 2 benefits to this idea:

1. We’ll rid the monkey infestation.

2. We’ll be having on the job marksmanship training on MOVING targets. The whole base will be filled with sharp shooters within a month. And we’ll have the most certified marksman in the whole of SAF. We’ll put even the Commandos to shame! Btw, we’re required to shoot once a year to stay proficient in shooting STATIONARY targets.

Sorry I digressed. Well after getting rid of the crap on my boots I realized my security pass was missing. The damned clip that holds the pass always comes loose and it chose a great time to come loose when I’m in the middle of the fucking depot(the depot is HUGE it takes more than 4 hours to trek from start to finish. So I spent the whole morning running all over the base looking for the damned pass. I traced back the path I took before entering the depot but I still couldn’t find the damned thing. If that wasn’t enough, I had the fucking officer breathing down my neck about where all the little fucks in my group were. So now I had to go run around the damned base looking for all the idiots in my group and find out where they’re going to. Fine, I found out where everyone was and reported back to the officer. I continued my search for the pass till lunch time. I still couldn’t find it. Oh and if you’re wondering why I’m so concerned about the pass, there’s a $50 fine if you lose the pass(now you know how SAF get its annual US$8 billion budget). I really can’t afford that $50 and besides the army doesn’t pay me enough. $50 is 1/7 of my paycheck!!! So fine my day’s already pretty fucked up as it is but no there were more niceties for me after lunch. I was still looking for the damned pass and I’m tired. I was resting in the mess when the sergeant came in. He saw some guys doing nothing while I was reading the papers. For some reason the superiors just don’t like seeing people relaxing. And even though they pay us less than what construction workers earn we’re supposed to work like dogs for the pittance we get. So he ordered all of us to go into the depot to pick up trash and leaves hanging on the fences. Now here’s the funny part. The depot is IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING JUNGLE!!! But that doesn’t matter as long as we’re kept occupied. So I get to go hiking again WHOOPEEDOO!!! It didn’t matter that I had to hike from the middle of depot to the main gate in the morning nooooooo. It’s ok cause it is ALL IN SERVICE OF OUR COUNTRY. I’m quite sure my specialist said I’m not suppose to be hiking so much. And he did notify the airheaded army doctors about my condition but nooooo I’m still hiking in and out EVERYDAY. Doesn’t matter that my knees were hurting. Doesn’t matter that they were cracking and making funny noises. Nope, doesn’t matter at all. So that was pretty much how my Tuesday went. Oh did I mention I spent Monday being a chambermaid? Yep, I was ordered to clean the bunk used by the officers and NCOs(sergeants). Wow, and I thought I left such nitty gritty work back on that godforsaken island(Tekong). I don’t even clean my room! And you’re asking me to do what? Clean your fucking bunk? Why don’t you make me wear a French maid uniform while you’re at it?!!! I don’t think superiority in rank entitles you to treat the lower ranks as servants. On military matters yes but on personal cleanliness, NO! My friend was flabbergasted(YES! I can use BIG words) when he heard I was ordered to clean bunks used by the officers. He told me they’re not supposed to do that. He advised that I should lodge a complaint if it happens again and I plan to do so.

So there you have it. An excerpt from my pathetic existence as an army conscript. So I’m asking myself. What’s the meaning of my existence? To live out the next 2 years in this pathetic state? How do I be positive about what I do everyday? Tell me! Its 2043hrs now and I’m gonna go sleep after making myself a sandwich for dinner. I’ve been given one more day to find the damned security pass or else I’ll have to pay that $50 fine. I really hope and pray really hard that I’ll find it tomorrow or at least some kind soul would pick it up and return it to the guardroom.

I just remembered. Something nice did happen to me today. I met an old friend at the bus stop. I was pretty busy when she called out to me. I was holding my handphone in one hand while trying to flag the bus down with the other and trying to avoid this girl in my way. I took about 2 seconds before I realized who she was. She does look very different but different in a good way. Even though I wasn’t really close to her last time I knew her as a kind and gentle person. She’s very sweet by nature and she’s one of those girls that I’ll go after but never know why I didn’t when I had the chance. I feel bad that I didn’t say a proper hi to her just now so I’m gonna go see if I’ve still got her number lying around somewhere and maybe I’ll give her a call this weekend just to catch up. Wow, she does look different.

Note: I’m not usually one who uses profanity in my everyday conversations. But sometimes there’s just no other word to describe the angst and unhappiness I feel. Do pardon me just this once. I've still got ulcers on my tongue and its causing me to talk with a lisp. I'mth tryth-ing tu talk ploperly buth it hurths.

"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm"

Desperado by Eagles

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

Arrrggghhh...SICK on a WEEKEND!!!

2225hrs: Crap! I think I'm falling sick. I'm having a running nose, sore throat and I think a fever too. Of all the days to fall sick it had to be on a weekend. Think I ate too much heaty stuff during the week. Arrrgghhh...I hope I'll be better tomorrow. Still wanna enjoy my weekend. Went to see 2 specialists during the week. Apparently according to my sports medicine specialist I cycled too much and that's why I've got worn out knees. But at least I don't need to stop. I can still go on as long as I do proper stretching before and after any vigourous exercise. Saw the other specialist for my asthma today. And I found out on my last visit that I'm actually allergic to cats, dust & dust mites. And these allergies cause me to cough like crazy. I find it funny that the doc is giving me so much steriods. I've got enough to start selling it on the black market. He gave me one for my nose and another for my lungs. Apparently its for curbing the effects of the allergies. But he said my lung function is normal which means I can go run, cycle and hike as much as I want to without having to worry about getting breathless. Think I feel breathless cause I'm severely out of shape. Think I'll start building up my stamina with cycling and squash. I'll try not to run cause I hate running...feels so slow. I love that wind in the hair feeling while cycling along at 30km/h. Running just isn't for me. But I've gotta go get a new speedometer. Busted the last one after I crashed. And that was my 2nd speedometer lost due to a crash. I hate the wired ones they're always the first to go whenever I crash. I'm gonna get a cordless one the next time. Ok I think I'm rambling and I don't really know what I'm typing. Think I'll be spending my weekend watching DVDs. Blade Runner would be a good movie to start with. It comes highly recommended then maybe I'll move on to JFK(which looks boring). I've been arguing with a friend of mine about the picture in my last entry. I think the girl in the picture is sweet-looking but she disagrees. Why don't you show me your idea of a sweet-looking girl? Nevermind...I''ll spend the weekend trying to convince you that the girl in the picture is sweet-looking. Ok...think I'm not making much sense(to myself) anymore gonna stop rambling now.

The cute girl on bus no. 74

2025hrs: I just saw my dream girl a 2nd time in a week on the same bus. I couldn't stop stealing glances at her when I saw her for the first time on Monday(I think..). The image of her was burned into my brain. She's just this really sweet looking girl and it took my breath away the first time I saw her. I just couldn't stop looking. I think she must've thought "why's this idiot keep staring at me?". Well its cause you're just so beautiful in such a sweet way and you're the girl I'll give anything to date. Yes, I'll even give up being a fighter pilot if you asked me to. Sheesh...think I'm having an infatuation...it has happened before. This kinda feelings usually don't last more than a few days to a few weeks. But damn...I just can't get the image of her out of my head. She's the kinda girl that can look so stunning even without make-up(or what I like to call ICI Dulux aka industrial paint). She doesn't need that to look beautiful cause she already is. She's a little tanned, has nice shoulder length hair that's a little coloured at the ends. I didn't notice her on the bus today until I was about to get off and I was beating myself up about it cause I would've liked to fully 'download' her image into my head. I really do hope I'll get to see her again. I wish I could screw up the courage to ask for her name but how does one do that to a stranger? Am I suppose to go up to her and say "Hey, I think you're cute & I'll really love to put a name & a number to this cute face. How bout it?". Ok...that sounds so cheesy and it's not my style anyways. I don't walk up to strangers and try to date them I coined a term for this, 'picking up strays off the streets'. Sigh, guess I just have to settle for looking at her from a distance. I do hope I get a sweet looking girl like her one of these days. If she were my girlfriend I'll never treat her bad but then again, I've never treated any of the girls I've liked or been with, bad. I'm proud to say I've treated every single one of them like a true gentleman would and I loved and respected them. Wow....if only I could hear your voice I'm sure I'll be so mesmerized I'll do anything you want. haha...I haven't had such a school boyish infatuation for a long time.

My idea of a sweet-looking girl

One of my stupid friends made a comment that the only reason why I think this girl is cute is cause she's showing cleavege. Which is absolutely NOT TRUE!

To the girl on the bus:

I'm sorry if I made you feel wierd. I didn't mean to. Just thought you were worth a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc...look. I was the spiky haired guy who kept looking at you the other day on the bus. I remember you were wearing a greenish top and your hair was tied up in a messy but oh so stylish way. I'm sorry I don't mean to sound like a stalker I just have a natural eye for details(its true, my friends find it freaky too). Do hope to get to know you if I ever have a chance which I don't think I will. You're just another face on the bus...really hard to make conversation with a complete stranger.

Something else that happened while on the same bus:

I got on the bus during rush hour and the bus was packed like sardines in a can. And I was forced to stand on the steps leading up to the 2nd deck on the double-decked bus(duh!). I was happily chatting with a friend of mine when a girl wanted to come down. So I had to look up to see if she was coming down any time soon so I could give way. I didn't notice that she was wearing a short skirt and when I looked up she gave a look that said "What are you looking at huh?". I felt so embarassed and misjudged. I didn't even know she was wearing a skirt till I looked up and by the way I didn't even see anything cause I was focusing on the upper half of her body(pun really NOT intended). Sigh, wish I still possessed that cute innocent face I had when I was 12. The one where I could get away with almost anything *evil grin*. But seriously I was really innocent in this. Looking up skirts doesn't turn me on and I think it's a sick fetish.

Revelations

2043hrs: I’ve gone through a lot of changes in the last few weeks and it was mainly because of her. I’ve analysed the relationship over and over again in my head. I spent so many nights tossing and turning over this. What she said was true. Our academic status is totally different. She’s on the verge of starting her career while I’m still in the midst of completing my education. She’s from a ‘perfect’ family while my family has always been in shambles.

The things she said really sobered me up. And I’ve decided I’ve had enough of being an underdog. I became a recluse after I failed my exams 2 years ago. And I developed an inferiority complex because of it. Considering my best friends are all from top JCs and they all come from loving homes, I always felt that I was different. Only after all this time do I realize that I should stop blaming myself for the way my family is. It wasn’t my fault and I should stop blaming myself for it. And there’s no reason why I should feel ashamed because of my family. And I should stop feeling like I’m different from my friends. I know I’m able to hold an intellectual conversation with the best of them. The only reason why I’m not where my friends are is because my friends have paid their dues by burning the midnight oil during their exam periods. While I squandered my time away reading all the right books at the wrong time(during class). I know what I’m capable of and it’s about time I prove it to myself.


HEART: It hurt when she left. But its not like I’ve never been hurt before. The only difference this time round was that I recovered much faster. I know I loved her and I still miss her sometimes but she’s already left and its time to let go. So I’m letting go though it’ll be a little hard to forget the times I spent with her. All the places we’ve been to together still reminds me of her and I hate it.

BODY: I think after 3 years of inactivity my body is crying out for help. My whole body feels stiff and I’ve discovered I’ve worn out my knees. I’ve lost so much muscle mass in the last 3 years and I’m so weak now. Every little physical activity causes me to ache. I’m severely out of shape but I’m trying to build up my stamina again. Gonna start my exercise regime again. I’ll try to put on at least 10 kgs of muscle mass by next June.

MIND: This is one part of me that I’ve neglected too much and I need to improve ASAP. I’ve lagged so far behind my peers in my intellectual development and it’s starting to annoy me. I know I’ve got a fiercely analytical mind and I know what I’ve achieved with it before. Now I’ve just gotta learn to focus. Focus on the tasks at hand rather than get distracted. I’ve got to consolidate all the neurons that are currently bouncing off the walls of my cranium.

SOUL: I’ve neglected my soul for awhile now. Failing my exams seemed like a good excuse to leave church. But even though I’ve left for so long I know a part God still lives in me. I still pray every night. But I’m so confused about my religion I need to find God on my own. I know there’s a higher being, there has to be. Who else would be able to build our universe with such precision and thorough thought and planning? Everytime I look at the stars I marvel at how the planets are aligned so perfectly and how a slight disturbance in the magnetic fields could upset the fine balance between them that makes up our solar system. Even our bodies are evidence of his supreme intelligence. Our bodies are designed to such perfection that man can only dream of duplicating such excellence in our machines. But it is impossible to mimic such genius for it is beyond our worldly understanding.

Note: I started this entry more than a week ago and most of what I wanted to write have already been forgotten. But I’ll edit this entry when I can remember what this was all about. This entry was started on 19/0904 & finished on 26/0904.

Extreme Ways By Moby

Extreme ways are back again
Extreme places
I didn't knowI broke everything new again
Everything that I'd owned
I threw it out the windows, came along
Extreme ways I know
Will part the colors of my sea
Perfect color me

Extreme ways that help me
Help me out late at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any light
Dirty basements, dirty noise
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it planned

I would stand in line for this
There's always room in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does

Extreme sounds that told me
They helped me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't get above the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened
Up to anything
That could get me along

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things that caught me
Too much can make you blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

I wouldstand in line for this
It's always good in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does

Squash...Ouch!

1949hrs: I went out this morning to play squash with one of my good pals. It was pretty fun and we were chasing the ball all over the court. Squash is much more fun when you're playing with someone else cause you don't need to be running all over the court in a mad dash to catch the ball. Well I was having a lot fun until my friend served the ball right into my chest where the rib cage meets the top two most ab muscles. I doubled over the moment I got hit and I got the wind knocked out of me. I was on the ground whincing in pain for quite a few mins. And now I've got a lasting bruise right there and it still feels raw when I touch it. But I accidentally returned the favour to my friend later in the game. He got hit in his stomach but considering he's much more 'affluent' than I am, he absorbed the impact and so I don't think he's hurting as much as me. Seems like I'm enjoying squash a lot...now if I can just get people to play this dying sport with me...heh.

The evil squash ball

I know

2116hrs: My boy, I know you’re hurting now. I know you miss her and I know you loved her and she said she loved you. But she’s already taken that love away. You have to push ahead and forge a way through this pain. Leave it all behind and move on. We’ve been through much worse we’ve gotta stick it out on this one. The pain will fade. Time will heal all wounds no matter how big or small. Time is what we need and we’ve got some time. I know it hurts to see that she doesn’t seem to care about what she’s done to you and it might all be just a game to her. It hurts you most when you meet people who are careless with you. People who promised you the world but you never wanted the world. You just wanted that person’s love which she promised but didn’t deliver. You’ve gotta let it go, move on. We’ve got lots to do, get a driving license this year and hopefully a pilot’s license by end of next year. We’ve got lots to be busy with and those straight As that’ve eluded you. It’s time to do a proper job so we can move on with life. Lay the foundations for the small fortune we’ll amass. Go sleep and tomorrow will be a better, brighter day.