Revelations

2043hrs: I’ve gone through a lot of changes in the last few weeks and it was mainly because of her. I’ve analysed the relationship over and over again in my head. I spent so many nights tossing and turning over this. What she said was true. Our academic status is totally different. She’s on the verge of starting her career while I’m still in the midst of completing my education. She’s from a ‘perfect’ family while my family has always been in shambles.

The things she said really sobered me up. And I’ve decided I’ve had enough of being an underdog. I became a recluse after I failed my exams 2 years ago. And I developed an inferiority complex because of it. Considering my best friends are all from top JCs and they all come from loving homes, I always felt that I was different. Only after all this time do I realize that I should stop blaming myself for the way my family is. It wasn’t my fault and I should stop blaming myself for it. And there’s no reason why I should feel ashamed because of my family. And I should stop feeling like I’m different from my friends. I know I’m able to hold an intellectual conversation with the best of them. The only reason why I’m not where my friends are is because my friends have paid their dues by burning the midnight oil during their exam periods. While I squandered my time away reading all the right books at the wrong time(during class). I know what I’m capable of and it’s about time I prove it to myself.


HEART: It hurt when she left. But its not like I’ve never been hurt before. The only difference this time round was that I recovered much faster. I know I loved her and I still miss her sometimes but she’s already left and its time to let go. So I’m letting go though it’ll be a little hard to forget the times I spent with her. All the places we’ve been to together still reminds me of her and I hate it.

BODY: I think after 3 years of inactivity my body is crying out for help. My whole body feels stiff and I’ve discovered I’ve worn out my knees. I’ve lost so much muscle mass in the last 3 years and I’m so weak now. Every little physical activity causes me to ache. I’m severely out of shape but I’m trying to build up my stamina again. Gonna start my exercise regime again. I’ll try to put on at least 10 kgs of muscle mass by next June.

MIND: This is one part of me that I’ve neglected too much and I need to improve ASAP. I’ve lagged so far behind my peers in my intellectual development and it’s starting to annoy me. I know I’ve got a fiercely analytical mind and I know what I’ve achieved with it before. Now I’ve just gotta learn to focus. Focus on the tasks at hand rather than get distracted. I’ve got to consolidate all the neurons that are currently bouncing off the walls of my cranium.

SOUL: I’ve neglected my soul for awhile now. Failing my exams seemed like a good excuse to leave church. But even though I’ve left for so long I know a part God still lives in me. I still pray every night. But I’m so confused about my religion I need to find God on my own. I know there’s a higher being, there has to be. Who else would be able to build our universe with such precision and thorough thought and planning? Everytime I look at the stars I marvel at how the planets are aligned so perfectly and how a slight disturbance in the magnetic fields could upset the fine balance between them that makes up our solar system. Even our bodies are evidence of his supreme intelligence. Our bodies are designed to such perfection that man can only dream of duplicating such excellence in our machines. But it is impossible to mimic such genius for it is beyond our worldly understanding.

Note: I started this entry more than a week ago and most of what I wanted to write have already been forgotten. But I’ll edit this entry when I can remember what this was all about. This entry was started on 19/0904 & finished on 26/0904.

Extreme Ways By Moby

Extreme ways are back again
Extreme places
I didn't knowI broke everything new again
Everything that I'd owned
I threw it out the windows, came along
Extreme ways I know
Will part the colors of my sea
Perfect color me

Extreme ways that help me
Help me out late at night
Extreme places I had gone
But never seen any light
Dirty basements, dirty noise
Dirty places coming through
Extreme worlds alone
Did you ever like it planned

I would stand in line for this
There's always room in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does

Extreme sounds that told me
They helped me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't get above the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened
Up to anything
That could get me along

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things that caught me
Too much can make you blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

I wouldstand in line for this
It's always good in life for this

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Like it always does, always does