How bout some funnies?

2011hrs: I was just clearing my desktop when I found these jokes I downloaded some time ago with the idea of posting it here. But I never got around to it. I thought now is as good a time as any to post 'em up here so I delete off the files.

Well then....enjoy....

If Santa answered his mail honestly....

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read
and write?
I'm giving your brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you
can do.

Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,

What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane, son? Let me get you some nice
Legos instead.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the sh*ts and carrots make the deer fart in my
face.
You want to kiss my ass? Leave me a bottle of scotch and some
Toblerone.

Santa


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
making Toys?

Your friend,
Thomas


Dear Thomas,

All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, Where I
spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?

Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy


Timmy,

That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap
don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get Into our
home?

Love,
Marky

Mark,

Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you
live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
Santa

T-SHIRTS FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE NO CRAP:

1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4. Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk AND piss you off at the same time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
10. Guys have feelings too. But like . . . who cares?
11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12. Next mood swing . . . 6 minutes.
13. I hate everybody and you're next.
14. Please don't make me kill you.
15. And your point is . . . ?
16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I'd ask if I cared.

Macintosh - Crash Different

No matter how many times I've seen this video over the years, it still cracks me up. It just did a minute ago. Kudos to Hunter Kressel! Great Vid!

Buy a computer...

Imagine the phone ringing......

ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den,
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.

ABBOT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows!
OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: word in office.

COSTELLO: the only word in office is Office.

ABBOT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?

ABBOT: the word you get when you click the blue w

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't
start with some straight answers OK, forget that. Can
I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: yes, you want real one.

COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon What I
watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
need!

ABBOT: real one.

COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel
2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOT: of course.

COSTELLO: great, with what?

ABBOT: real one.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: you click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: the blue 1.

COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.
COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOT: no, just one. but it's the most popular word in
the world

COSTELLO: it is?

ABBOT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other
words out there.

COSTELLO: and that word is real one?

ABBOT: real one has nothing to do with word. Real one
isn't even part of office.

COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about
financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my
money with?

ABBOT: money.

COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: money.


COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: money

COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?

ABBOT: one copy

COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: why not, they own it.

Hope you've had a belly laugh @ 2020hrs