Do you hate me?

2308hrs: Just came home not long ago from a much needed cycling trip. It's been a bad week and it seems to be progressively worse. I got screamed at today for over 10 mins by some overzealous sergeant for having loose shoelaces. But to tell you the truth, he didn't come after me cause of the laces. It's just cause he was looking for someone to vent his anger on coupled with latent anger towards me. So I stood there letting him blast me upside down not being able to do anything except to nod my head when a response was needed. My friends watched, my enemies gloated and the rest just enjoyed the late afternoon drama. And after the entire episode, I was left broken. Perhaps it is the shock of being screamed at out of the blue and being made to act like a stupid recruit back in BMT days. The whole screaming session though unfair and unjustified doesn't bother me as much as the way I reacted. I cried. I tried so very hard not to but I did. And now I feel as if I've let myself down. To betray what I felt inside. That I couldn't control myself or my emotions. To show that I've been weakened. Pride? Yes. And I hated it. Now the world knows what a sorry weakling I am.

I've always known that people in camp keep their distance from me. I summed it up to them hating me. No, according to my friend, it's just cause people find me arrogant. And that I have a bad attitude. Perhaps I do or maybe I don't. I don't know. I just seem to be socially inept(I know spelling is wrong...too late to check it out) when I'm in green. But besides camp, I seem to be well received. Though I admit I'm not a crowd pleaser. But at least people still like me. At least, they seem to.

I didn't tell my baby what sorta day I had because I was afraid. Afraid that she'll think less of me because of the way I reacted to the situation. That I am weak. I'm sorry for being so weak, sorry for not being able to control my emotions better.

I'm just so tired of this army shit. I know it's just another 70+ working days left. But it seems like the nearer the end, the more restless I get. I'm prepared for a second round of badgering session tomorrow by a different sergeant. And I can guess that he's gonna blame me for something....I'll leave that story for another day.

For now, I just want my weekend. I just wanna go watch the jets and for those few moments forget about green and just look through to the delirious clouds of blue. That always cheers me up.

So so so fucking frustrated and tired of being green @ 2353hrs