Lousy weekend
2328hrs:It's been a crap weekend for me. I spent Saturday at home and I spent the whole of Sunday at home. I spent it finishing up 'Alias' Season 1 and now I've just finished Disc 1 of Season 2. I wanted to go out and get some fresh air but I didn't have any place to go. I don't have friends to hang out with and I couldn't think of anything I could go out to do. I don't mind spending the time at home but my Aunt has been driving me crazy. She's been nagging on and on and on. About how I haven't packed my room and all. I mean, fuck! Come on I have only one weekend away from base and I just want to rest but she's going on and on about it. And she calls up the whole fucking world telling them how much of a fucking bum I am. Even at the recent Chinese New Year gatherings she goes around telling people oh he's a fucking bum and everyone would just "Oh, didn't know he was like that and he's already 21". Fuck! And people wonder why I don't turn up for family gatherings.I hate it that my life, my family or it's members always becomes a topic for my relatives at gatherings. It's lousy enough growing up in a fucked up family but to always be scrutinised by the relatives and having them comment about how fubared(Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) my family is just makes me sick.
My aunt spent the entire day calling everyone up telling them how much of a bum I am. It starts with me spending the day watching tv and not opening the kitchen windows. She can go on about this for the whole fucking day. About me not opening the fucking windows. It was fucking raining outside before she came back and when it stopped I thought I'll just keep it closed just in case it rained again. FUCK! And that's enough to tick her off. She can go on a roll over the littlest things. Oh no! He didn't close the windows fully there's a 10mm gap IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! It can become ridiculous!!! I swear I'll start living on my own the day I get financial independence. She can drive me fucking crazy! And just now when I went out to throw stuff in the trash, she called me a useless bum. I almost wanted to blow my fucking top and turn totally vulgar but I just came into my room and started this entry instead.
Maybe I'm becoming subservient to the prophecy that my family is only capable of producing useless males. Even if I'm becoming useless, I'll be sure to make sure I'm only useless to myself without dragging anyone else with me unlike my Dad. Fine, maybe I don't deserve to live anymore. That my self-worth has depreciated beyond a respectable value. I think I'm already leading a useless empty existence. It bothers me only in my free time when my mind is unoocupied by SAF or any other unproductive stimulants. I wish I was in America. It's always so easy to disappear there. Just cross the State line and you're a world away from anyone familar. I've always wished for that kinda option. Just feel awful now. Wish there was somewhere I could go. But the only place I can go now is my bed. Cause I've gotta wake at 0530hrs for a day of meaningless existence. The SAF has already taken away the option of putting an M193 in my head. I'm no longer an armed guard, I'm a duty clerk. But I'm sure I could encourage someone to shoot me if the need arises. At least it'll put an end to this madness. I don't need anti-depressants. I just need a $0.23 5.56mm in my head where it'll do me good.
Still conflicted at 2359hrs
My aunt spent the entire day calling everyone up telling them how much of a bum I am. It starts with me spending the day watching tv and not opening the kitchen windows. She can go on about this for the whole fucking day. About me not opening the fucking windows. It was fucking raining outside before she came back and when it stopped I thought I'll just keep it closed just in case it rained again. FUCK! And that's enough to tick her off. She can go on a roll over the littlest things. Oh no! He didn't close the windows fully there's a 10mm gap IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! It can become ridiculous!!! I swear I'll start living on my own the day I get financial independence. She can drive me fucking crazy! And just now when I went out to throw stuff in the trash, she called me a useless bum. I almost wanted to blow my fucking top and turn totally vulgar but I just came into my room and started this entry instead.
Maybe I'm becoming subservient to the prophecy that my family is only capable of producing useless males. Even if I'm becoming useless, I'll be sure to make sure I'm only useless to myself without dragging anyone else with me unlike my Dad. Fine, maybe I don't deserve to live anymore. That my self-worth has depreciated beyond a respectable value. I think I'm already leading a useless empty existence. It bothers me only in my free time when my mind is unoocupied by SAF or any other unproductive stimulants. I wish I was in America. It's always so easy to disappear there. Just cross the State line and you're a world away from anyone familar. I've always wished for that kinda option. Just feel awful now. Wish there was somewhere I could go. But the only place I can go now is my bed. Cause I've gotta wake at 0530hrs for a day of meaningless existence. The SAF has already taken away the option of putting an M193 in my head. I'm no longer an armed guard, I'm a duty clerk. But I'm sure I could encourage someone to shoot me if the need arises. At least it'll put an end to this madness. I don't need anti-depressants. I just need a $0.23 5.56mm in my head where it'll do me good.
Still conflicted at 2359hrs
posted by Ben at 11:59 PM
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